


Unspoken Words

by reader_chic_2



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Band Fic, Coming Out, Eleanor Calder & Louis Tomlinson Friendship, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Harry Styles Loves Louis Tomlinson, Hurt/Comfort, Larry Stylinson Is Real, Louis Tomlinson Loves Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson is a Little Shit, Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Niall Horan & Louis Tomlinson Friendship, One Direction Tours
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-25
Updated: 2018-12-25
Packaged: 2019-09-26 20:17:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 29,459
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17148422
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reader_chic_2/pseuds/reader_chic_2
Summary: “So that’s it then? You’re not happy here,” Harry said coldly. “In case you hadn’t noticed, none of us are. We all have other places to be, but we’re here.”“I never said I didn’t want to be here,” Louis hissed, eyes narrowing with suspicion. “But you did.”Harry huffed, pushing his hair back over his head again. “No-,”“Yes,” Louis scoffed. “You haven’t wanted to be here since last tour. You want to go eat vegan food in LA with Nick and your new ‘connections.’”The words wouldn’t stop spilling out of his mouth.“You can stop acting so suffocated here, Harry. At least give respect to us. For fuck’s sake, we’d all be nothing without each other. You-,”“Just because we started out together doesn’t mean we can’t grow apart!” Harry suddenly shouted, silencing the room instantly. Louis felt the air rush out of his lungs, and no matter how hard he tried to suck it back in, there was no taking it back.. . .aka the one that follows the band as Harry and Louis slowly grow apart, tearing them to pieces, and all due to unspoken words.





	Unspoken Words

**Author's Note:**

> Hello loves! A few things:  
> I am not from England. I am from America. However, I cannot imagine the boys being the boys without British slang. I've read a lot of works on here, so I decided to add in British slang to the best of my abilities. If it ever sounds American, well you know why. (I've fallen in love with British slang tho. Can we make that happen in America, please?)  
> This is all fiction. None of this happened. I did take a few scenes from interviews and on stage from the boys that I loved, but other than that, none of this happened, and even those scenes did not happen for the reasons I am saying. I'm not saying anything about any of their lives or sexualities or choices. This is just a fictional wish of mine, lol.  
> Lastly, I am new to the One Direction fandom, lol. I am not a pro on the dates of their tours or people or any of that. I did research, but I probably messed things up. I did also change a few things around to work better for my story, like when something happened or whatever. So.  
> That's it, I believe. Enjoy :)

Unspoken Words

This interview was bonkers. Louis knew this. Louis knew that Harry knew this. They met eyes, and the challenge was on: how fast could they make the interviewer blush? Their record time was one minute and thirty-six seconds. Their manager, Paul, had it timed, though he was more peeved than amused.

“Zayn, excited for the wedding? Let’s hear your plans for the honeymoon!”

Louis grew a twinkle in his eyes. This would be too easy. He, Zayn, and Liam were sitting on the couch with Harry and Niall in front of them on the floor. Louis leaned forward and wrapped his arms around Harry, pulling him until he fell between Louis’ legs. “Hear that, Harry? Tell them about our wedding plans!” He looked at the interviewer, Sarah Plum, and grinned mischievously. “Such a sentimental one, Harry is.”

Harry leaned back into his hug, lolling his head against his thighs in a way that made Louis’ smile widen. “Oh, you know, I’m thinking go all out. Instead of walking down the aisle, I want to fly in on an air balloon.”

“Wait. Why are you the one walking down the aisle?” Louis asked, hand over his heart, pulling away, completely distraught.

“Now we’ve talked about this,” Harry shook his head, looking at the now intrigued Sarah Plum. “I said you could have the top of the cake the night of the wedding if I got to walk down the aisle. Remember, love?”

Louis jumped to his feet on the couch, pressing a dramatic hand to his forehead and looking away in ‘pain.’ “No, Harold! That’s not enough! I can’t do it! The wedding is off, I say. OFF!”

Harry looked at the camera with wide, innocent eyes and shrugged. “Look at that. No more wedding. Damn.”

Louis hopped down to his butt, nearly knocking Liam off the couch, and shrugged as well. “Well, um, that’s – what?” Sarah said with a wide smile on her face, feigning to be cute and dumb to get an explanation. Harry dealt with this one each time.

“You know what, Sarah,” he said with a wink, which only made her cheeks go three shades deeper as she had to straighten her hair out.

“Well,” she smiled tightly with a cough. “I think it’s about time for a break.”

The moment she disappeared, all five boys fell into raucous laughter, Louis falling off the couch in the process. “Cake, Harry? God, you kill me,” he wiped at his eyes, draping himself over Harry’s back as he struggled for air. His body heat rejuvenated him, making his body feel whole after such a hilarious fit.

“This one might send the fans overboard,” Niall snorted.

Harry took the liberty to nuzzle Niall’s hair. Louis watched with a large smile in his eyes as the boys all continued to berate them over the charade of an oh so secret love affair Harry and he were sporting, all the while feeling on top of the world.

Life couldn’t get better.

. . .

They were all hanging out in the living room area of their suite. Sure, they could afford to all have separate rooms, but what fun was that? “Let’s go over the list one more time-,” began Liam for the fourth time that night. Everyone else groaned.

“Not again,” Harry whined, falling back against Louis’ shoulder in the loveseat they were sharing.

“If we go over the song list again, I won’t have time to shag Harry in the loo before bed,” Louis sighed, running his hand through Harry’s head of curls, producing a relaxed smile from the boy below him. “He’s always cranky if we skip it.” Louis much preferred his satisfied reaction opposed to the nearly simultaneous response of crumpled up paper balls flying directly at his head. “Ow!”

“Paul said for you two to tone it down, remember?” Zayn said with disinterest as he typed away on his phone.

“He also said to hug more girls in the meet ups, but I don’t see you doing that either, huh?” Louis threw one paper ball back at him, but he hardly looked up.

“I wonder if Paul ever gets any,” Harry mused as he turned on his back and let his head drop into Louis’ lap. When he spoke, the vibrations could be felt in his groin, which was more than pleasing for Louis. The rest of the boys not focusing on the unique sensations being felt their groins currently all groaned. “What? It’s a legitimate question.”

“He is always with us,” Niall agreed.

“I’m sure he has plenty of free time when the concerts are over,” Liam mumbled as he wrote down notes for talking points during the concert tomorrow.

There was a lull in conversation, giving Louis time to bend over and nip at Harry’s ear. “Love-bite war?”

Harry pondered this while gazing into Louis’ eyes with amusement. It was simple, really. The first to land a love-bite on the other wins. “What does the loser have to do?”

Louis glanced around, attempting to hide the mirth in his eyes. Niall, the only one not focused on a task, looked at them suspiciously. He’d be a perfect target. “The loser has to lick jam off Niall’s foot.” Harry seemed interested, though not fully satisfied. “And has to shank Liam at the concert tomorrow! If he doesn’t, then he has to give out his phone number on twitter.”

Harry let out a shudder. The stakes were high. Louis usually resorted to threatening the phone number. Once, when they’d thoroughly pissed Zayn off during a rough patch with his future bride, Zayn leaked both of their numbers. It froze their phones. Louis lost a few contacts, and Harry’s nudes were seen by their tech guy while he tried to transfer the frozen data. It was not a fun experience for either of them, though Harry more so.

Harry looked up at him, and Louis knew he would agree. It all was lingering on the when. He had the upper hand of being upright, but Harry was capable of many things. Unfortunately, Louis was technically smaller in size than Harry, though he liked to think those angel-like curls were what gave him the extra couple inches.

“You’re on.”

Louis dove for his neck, mouth bared, and Harry jerked away with such force it knocked them to the ground. Still on top, Louis tried to pin him by his hips with his own, but that was a mistake. Harry was able to flip their positions quickly, slamming Louis’ back into the legs of the coffee table.

“Fuck!”

“Oh, this shite again,” Niall groaned, running a hand down his face. “You used me in the stakes, didn’t ye?”

Before Harry could get to Louis’ neck, his dainty fingers reached under and tickled Harry’s stomach – since when did he have fit abs? Louis shook his head. He could think about that later. Now, a chorus of giggles rang from Harry’s mouth, higher pitched than any note he could sing. It brought heat to Louis’ cheeks, but again, not the time! In a swift move, he flipped them over, holding him down by the shoulders and latching onto Harry’s supple, pale neck. He sucked hard, normally only having a few seconds to try and make a mark, but Louis had a good ten seconds before Harry regained his strength.

Louis decided it was because he had to recover from an intense set of tickles.

“Oh bloody hell, Lou!” Liam gaped, setting down his notes for once in order to inch closer. Niall was in a fit of giggles as he stared. Zayn only sighed and left to retire into one of the rooms.

“I’d say I won, yeah?” Lou leered as he leaned over Harry, who simply lied there in defeat, a look of painful regret on his face.

“I hate you.”

“You love me,” Louis beamed, kissing the newly forming bruise on Harry’s neck. “Niall, get your socks off. Harry here is going to lick your feet.”

An hour later, they’d all stopped laughing enough to retire to bed, Niall with only one sock on and Harry wiping at his tongue.

“That was disgusting,” Harry said through a mouthful of toothpaste. Louis had his own brush in his mouth and winked before spitting in the sink. “It tastes just as it smells. You owe me for that.”

“Sure, give me a second and I’ll blow you. Want a clean mouth for your beautiful bullocks, of course,” Louis spat into the sink.

“So considerate, especially when you made me lick Niall’s toes,” Harry deadpanned, wiping at his mouth and putting another line of toothpaste on his brush to scrub for a second round.

“I know. Got a bit jealous there, not going to lie, Haz,” Louis rinsed his mouth with mirth, bumping into Harry’s side delicately on his way out. However, that pushed his brush out of his mouth, smearing toothpaste all over his cheek. “Oops. My bad, H.”

Louis strolled into his bed, plopping back with a sigh. They were nearing the end of their tour, but he still couldn’t get used to the fact that they got to spend such money on extravagant hotels. While pondering how lucky he found himself, he didn’t notice Harry leaving the bathroom.

In seconds, Harry jumped on him, straddling Louis at his waste, welding a stream of toothpaste overheard. “Woah now, Hazza, I’m sleeping here tonight! Be – bloody hell!”

Harry squirted nearly the entire tube on Louis, cackling manically as he did so. He was biting his tongue slightly, dubious grin on his lips. Despite squinting and praying no paste got into his eyes, Louis was able to see Harry having the time of his life, and he was again struck with how grateful he was for their band. Seeing Harry’s smile light up made Louis’ heart feel full.

After Louis tried and failed at subduing Harry’s wrath and the entire tube of paste was on his face, in his hair, and on the bed, Harry finally sat back, breathless. The pressure over his crotch made his dick twitch, but Louis figured Harry wouldn’t notice. It didn’t matter much regardless. They’d been in more compromising positions before.

“Was that not a tad overdramatic, Harry?” Louis raised one eyebrow expectantly. Harry only shook his bouncy curls that seemed to be growing longer than he normally kept them.

“Nah, mate.”

Louis regarded him slowly, eyes running up his body to take in where his weakest point was. He was a fit lad, shameless really, but Louis had an idea for revenge. “Hmm. Alright then.”

Harry frowned. “What? No retribution? Who are you?”

Louis waggled a finger and sat up, sort of throwing Harry off him. He quickly found out he missed the warmth over his waist, but he focused on his plans. “I don’t forget anything. Remember that much. And I’m bunking with you tonight because you’ve gone and soiled my bed.”

Half an hour later, Louis found himself with wet hair, no bed, and minty skin. He turned to Harry, curled up in his large bed and shoved his shoulder roughly. “Move over, Curly.”

“Aye, aye,” Harry spoke gruffly into the pillow. As Louis piled in beside Harry, he was again reminded of how much deeper his voice had gotten in the span of a short few months. While he still looked like the young nineteen-year-old he was, Louis couldn’t help but feel his voice got far too old far too fast. It only had a little bit to do with the fact that his voice would forever be the highest pitch of the group.

Feeling Louis’ eyes resting on his angelic face, Harry blinked his own open blearily. “If you’re pondering whether to smother me in my sleep, I can answer that one for you, mate. It’s a no.”

Louis somber thoughts were quickly expunged then. He reached forward and ruffled Harry’s mess of curls. “I’d never dream of it, Haz.”

“Good,” Harry huffed, eyes falling shut again while he snuggled further into the pillow he was clutching. That put him closer to Louis. Their toes were close to touching already, so Louis reached out and wiggled his against Harry’s. “Oi! Stop trying to turn me on or I’ll never get my beauty rest!”

Louis threw his head back as he laughed, turning his back to Harry in the hopes he’d not be tempted to stare at his unruly curls further. “You’re right. You need all the help you can get.”

Harry promptly took his thumb and rammed it against Louis’ bum, directly over his hole. The high-pitched squeak coming from Louis surprised them both, though Louis in particular. Who would have thought that wouldn’t feel quite as bad as he’d imagined?

. . .

Louis woke in a position he’d never found himself in before.

Hands were wrapped around his waist, and heat was radiating against his backside. He moved slightly, but the arms only tightened. Then, he craned his head back and spotted Harry’s sleeping form, and relief flooded through him.

Louis frowned, unsure how they got themselves into this position. He supposed he should have seen this coming from the way Harry had been clutching the pillow beforehand. It was rather funny when he thought about it. “Harry, get up,” Louis said flatly, struggling to twist around and face him. “Hazzaaa…” Louis ran his fingers up and down Harry’s forearm. The more he did it, the less he wanted to stop, even as Harry began to wake up. Now on his back, Louis peered up at Harry.

“What?” Harry mumbled, eyes still asleep. Louis giggled slightly at the pouty expression already on his face. Harry looked rightly childlike asleep. He was very alluring, and Louis found that he did not want to stop watching him ‘sleep.’

“It seems you have replaced the pillow with me,” Louis pointed out. Harry frowned further, lower lip protruding in its plump pinkness.

“Your point?” Harry grunted, rolling over so half his body was on top of Louis. He was just tall enough for his head to fit perfectly over Louis’ shoulder, nose nuzzling against his neck. In all honesty, this was more comfortable than he’d ever imagined. Louis let himself relax beneath Harry, finding the feel of his closest friend pressing against him soothing. The heat was like a second blanket in the frigid hotel room, and the skin to skin contact offered a sanctuary he’d never encountered before. It felt like Harry was closing in around him, holding him securely to the point where he felt safe, to where he could breathe.

“No point,” Louis sighed finally, closing his eyes and letting his free hand play with Harry’s curls. After a few runs through his hair, Harry let out a soft, quiet noise – almost like a whimper, if Louis didn’t know any better. In fact, he did know better, and that was definitely a whimper, and he was definitely pleased that the sigh was caused by his hand – proud even.

Louis felt like he’d just closed his eyes before a bright flash of light woke him up. He bolted upright, but Harry’s whole body held him down, so he fell back on the bed, knocking the back of his head against Harry’s.

“FUCK!” They both yelled. Louis blinked up and found the three culprits giggling above them, cameras still flashing.

“Bugger off, you bloody wankers! Trying to fucking sleep here!” Louis flipped them off, pulling a pillow from behind him to cover his face. Harry woke up like a possum, sitting up once he regained his bearings.

“Sleep or fuck? It looks like a little of both!” Niall snickered deliciously. Louis let his hand free to flip them off.

“You didn’t have to go and blind us,” Louis moaned.

“Quite rude, if you ask me,” Harry said in that slow drawl that seemed more pronounced in the early morning.

“No way…” Came Zayn’s voice from the other bed. “Tell me this isn’t cum – you guys actually shagged?”

“Shit,” Liam gulped.

“It’s too early to laugh at your idiocies,” Louis snipped. “Harry thought it’d be funny to squirt the whole tube of tooth paste on me last night.”

“Oh! Nice one, Haz,” Niall raised his hand up.

“Why thank you, Nialler,” Harry met his hand.

Liam and Zayn shared an exasperated look as Louis hopped out of bed. “Alright, you lazy sods, get ready so we can explore.”

Without a second thought, they got out of bed and prepared for their explorations.

. . .

After that, it became a regular thing.

Well, after the second time, it became a regular thing.

The second time took Louis by even more surprise. After their concert, they flew to another city and took residence in a new hotel. This time, Louis was rooming with Niall and Harry. The first night, they were so exhausted Louis wasn’t even sure how he got into his bed from the limo ride over. Harry later explained that he’d carried him (and Liam had carried Zayn). Still, Louis ended up alone in his bed the next morning as usual. So the next night was unexpected.

Around one in the morning, Louis felt a sudden wave of cold that was quickly replaced with the heat of a body sliding in next to him. “WHAT THE FUCK?” Louis jolted awake, jumping as far away from the perpetrator as possible, eyes struggling to focus in the dark. “RAMONE! CRAZY FAN!”

“We getting kidnapped or somethin’?” Niall groaned sleepily.

“What? It’s just me, Lou!” Harry suddenly said, voice coming straight from the tall figure halfway between his bed and the door. Louis’ jaw dropped.

“Shit.”

The door flies open, spilling light into the room, confirming the voice does indeed belong to his fellow bandmate and not some crazed fan. Ramone, their huge body guard, was glaring with a face ready to tear an intruder limb from limb, but then he grew very confused.

“Where is she, Mr. Tomlinson?”

Cheeks turning red, Louis turned sheepishly to the door. “Umm, about that…”

Niall’s head fell back into the pillow, speaking in a muffled voice. “He’s just a scared idiot. No intruder.”

“Yeah. It was just Harry. Loved the enthusiasm! Great response time, mate!” Louis held up two thumbs for praise, but Ramone only heaved a heavy sigh and glanced around again.

“You boys do always keep me on my toes,” he said in what should have been an appreciative tone, Louis felt, yet there was absolutely no emotion there. Once the door was closed and his eyes adjusted again, he turned to Harry, clutching his chest in the process.

“Jesus, Harry! A little warning next time, yeah?” Louis said breathlessly. He lifted the covers again and patted the bed next to him. Harry stared in confusion. “Hurry, would you? I’m getting goosebumps over here!”

“And I’m getting more awake with every word,” Niall muttered. Harry’s face split into a grin in the faint moonlight of the room as he shuffled forward and climbed into bed with Louis. “If this is gonna be a regular thing, be more quiet about it, alrigh’?”

“Right,” Harry said with mirth. Louis chuckled and lightly tousled his hair before grabbing him around the hips and flipping him to his side so his back is pressed to Louis’ chest. “Goodnight, Lou.”

“Goodnight Haz,” Louis whispered against the strong panes of his shoulder blades, thinking how nice it felt to have him securely in his arms. He liked knowing Harry had come to him when he couldn’t sleep or felt scared or…or just because. It was nice.

So their sleeping arrangement quickly turned into a partner activity. More often than not, they shared a bed. It offered a comfort Louis soon began to crave.

It was surprising it took an entire week of sleeping together for the awkward moment to occur.

Luckily, they were sharing a room alone again. Louis woke in the morning like any other morning he quickly had grown accustomed to since the age of thirteen. The only odd thing?

“Morning,” Harry’s gruff voice sent chills down Louis’ spine, making his eyes grow wider at the realization. Back pressed against his chest, Harry wiggled slightly further back into him, sighing peacefully. “You’re comfy.” Harry shuffled back closer to him and faltered. Louis cursed his body, every single part of it and its love for Harry’s body. “And hard. Louis, darlin’, I’m flattered.” Before Louis could say a word, Harry flipped around and pressed his lips to Louis’ neck softly. It wasn’t a love bite. It was more like a love kiss: soft, sweet, short. “But I’m too tired to wank you off now, love. Can it wait an hour?”

Louis wanted to laugh. He wanted to go along with the joke, but that was where it got him. It was a joke, but all of Louis’ body couldn’t stop imagining what would happen if it wasn’t a joke. He…liked that idea. Harry’s hands on his body. His lips on his. His gruff voice doing wonders to his heart.

Louis finally shook his head. No. He couldn’t think like that. This was his best friend he was with right now. There was no room for feelings, and there was especially no room for liking another guy, not when he could help it. If he could help it. He didn’t know what was going on, honestly. Either way, their boy band did not need to deal with the rumors of a gay band member when he himself wasn’t half sure what was going on.

It was probably just a dirty dream and the hormones that accompanied a hard on.

“Sure, Haz. Always have been the tease, huh?”

To which Harry responded with a soft sigh, nuzzling his face further into Louis’ neck. With every breath, Louis felt a shiver run down his spine.

He spent the rest of that morning staring at the ceiling, wondering what the hell to do about both his little and big problem.

. . .

“And Harry? Care to share any new gossip surrounding your love life?” An interviewer named Nick Grimshaw asked as the five boys sat back on the couch. Louis found this an odd question for two reasons. First off, it was known that nobody willingly spilled details about their love life as celebrities. Secondly, Nick hadn’t asked any of them about their love lives.

Harry beamed at him in the smile that stops everyone’s hearts. It was the end of their tour, and Harry’s hair seemed to be getting longer just as much as his voice was getting deeper. “What about it, Nick?”

“Single? Looking? I’m sure we’d all like to know,” Nick asked. Harry laughed with warmth as he uncrossed his legs, nudging Louis’ own in the process. That little hint of movement was enough to send sparks flying through his body. Louis looked between Harry on his right and Nick far to his left and felt a surge of annoyance. If Nick felt like picking into Harry’s love life, he’d give him something to chew on.

“Come on, Haz. Stop hiding our love!” Louis said dramatically, draping his back over Harry’s lap with a loud sigh. Liam shoved his feet off his own lap tiredly, used to his antics, he supposed. Harry giggled brightly, bending down swiftly and latching his lips to Louis’ neck, sucking and finally nipping before Louis could yank his head away. Face burning, Louis held a hand over his eyes. “Harry! Not in front of everyone! Have you no shame?”

Nick and the crowd all began laughing, finally catching onto the joke. Louis felt his heart constrict at the reminder that it all was a joke.

“Louis, I’m curious. What does your girlfriend have to say about this?” Nick asked with a wide grin on his face. Louis sat up, feeling again the idea that Nick had either too much plastic surgery or Botox poke into the back of his brain.

“Well she loves it. Eleanor’s a proper lady; she doesn’t mind sharing!” Louis threw his hands in the air as if that should have been obvious.

“What’s better than one direction?” Harry said in the slow was that always accompanied one of his ‘jokes.’ He had the smile that came with them as well, the one that made longing pool in Louis’ stomach slowly. “Two directions.”

Louis couldn’t hold in his laughter as Harry’s horrid joke. The best part was how he laughed so hard to it as well, as if this had been plaguing his mind and building up his hysterics. Once everyone was done clutching their chests, Nick was rendered speechless, and Louis had to fist bump Harry on that notion.

As the conversation switched to Zayn and how he’ll be spending his break, Harry leaned closer to Louis, hand holding him steady by his shoulder. “You sure El’s gonna be okay with that?”

Louis brushed it off his shoulder effortlessly, pressing his head against Harry’s in reassurance. “Yeah, mate. No problem.”

There would definitely be a problem implying she had threesomes with Louis and Harry, or worse; implying she was in an open relationship. Eleanor, however accepting she was, preferred her reputation less open than not.

After the interview, they continued chatting backstage in the privacy of just the boys and Nick. Louis was in the middle of telling Harry about a dinner he planned to cook for Eleanor to make up for what he said. Harry was very interested as he told him all about the complicated chicken recipe. “I’ve never cooked before, but I have a good feeling about this.”

Harry smiled warmly. “Sounds scrumptious, Lou. If you-,”

“So, Harry, what about you?”

Their heads snapped toward Nick, ending their conversation. “Hmm?”

“What are you going to do between now and the next tour?” Nick asked. Louis scowled at the question. It wasn’t like their lives were split into two separate times: on tour and before the next tour. To say the least, they had a long process of finishing the next album and recording it. That took some time.

Harry shrugged, looking to Louis and then back. “Dunno. Working, mostly. Lou says he’s going to teach me to play proper footie.”

“I’ll try,” Louis added, patting his leg comfortingly. “Might be a little hard when the only park near our house is blocks away.”  
  
“Your house?” Nick asked with more interest than needed. “Are you all living together then?”

“Nah,” Liam said. “Those two are. We’re nearby. Some of us like having privacy.”

“Well yeah, those of us trying to have sex without anyone else listening in,” Niall snickered. Louis opened his mouth to interject before Niall sighed loudly, holding his hands up in defense. “Sorry. Louis can go to Eleanor. Forgot.”

  
“Well, that’s a little unfair to Harry. Are you trying to find someone, H?” Nick asked with a smile meant to come off as charming. Louis hated it. He hated him, he realized. Nobody outside of the band was allowed to called him H. Even within the band, it was the most unfavored nickname of all his nicknames. Harry only shrugged.

“I suppose. ‘S’not like I won’t have my own room. I’d miss Lou if we weren’t gonna live together.” Harry shifted back into the curved couch so their shoulders were pressed tightly together. It wasn’t enough to quell his nerves. While smiling happily, he silently grasped Harry’s forearm gently resting between them.

“Wow. They truly paint you out to be womanizer, you know. And you’re really not. Fascinating,” Nick said dreamily, leaning forward to press his elbows on his knees. And Louis couldn’t help himself.

“Not that bloody fascinating, actually,” Louis grunted, not even trying for a smile anymore.

Nick ignored Louis completely at that point.

“Well, if you’re interested, Harry, ring me up when you settle in. My friends and I also aren’t exactly womanizers and would love to meet you,” Nick stood, handing Harry a note with a phone number in bold black letters. Louis gripped Harry’s wrist tighter, trying to breathe. Harry was unmoving through this all. “I’ve got to run. Nice meeting you, One Direction.”

Once he was out of earshot, almost immediately, Liam scoffed. “I think he just implied you’re gay, Haz.”

“He definitely did,” Zayn scowled.

“Is that rude? Because I feel like it may be…?” Niall scratched at his head, looking expectantly at Harry, who just shrugged.

“Kinda rude to do that in front of everyone, I suppose,” Harry said. “I think he was just trying to be nice, though.”

Louis scoffed. “You really can’t continue thinking the best of people all the time, Haz. It makes me look bad.”

They all laughed, relaxing back into the normal state again. Niall declared he was hungry, so they all got up to leave, but Louis noticed Harry kept looking down at the card in hand. It was unsettling. To think Harry actually felt like hanging out with Nick-too-intimate-questioner-Grimshaw made Louis’ stomach roll, so much so he couldn’t even make a good insult in his head about the plastic bloke.

“You okay?” Louis bumped into Harry as they fell behind the rest of the group. He shrugged, not meeting Louis’ gaze. “Hey, come on, Harry. I can tell you’re upset.”

“M’not,” he mumbled, watching his feet as he walked. It wasn’t an uncommon thing for him to do; he often stumbled in his uncoordinated ways. Louis found it amusing.

Louis pursed his lips. “You can tell me anything, you know that, right?”

Harry frowned, finally looking at him. “Right.” Then, he moved forward to wrap an arm around Liam after sticking the note in his back pocket. Louis had a strong urge to stick his hand in the pocket and hide the note away for more than one reason.

The main reason being it sounded way too much like a question.

. . .

Living with Harry was the best.

Louis had always known Harry was a nice person, but he just hadn’t realized how weird he was, as well. Harry enjoyed doing the dishes and laundry. He enjoyed cooking. The only thing he didn’t enjoy was the general cleaning, which wasn’t even a hassle for Louis to take on considering Harry literally never made a mess.

“Tea?” Louis asked as he poured himself a cup. They’d just finished their last recording and were officially off the clock for almost two months. Their album would release in five days.

“Nah, thanks,” Harry shouted from his room. Louis walked closer, flicking through Netflix to try and find something new to watch.

“I’m thinking we re-watch Gogglebox, Haz. I can’t find anything new on -,” Louis stopped speaking when he finally looked up. Harry was half dressed, only donning a shirt. His back was to Louis, bum bare and naked.

Louis felt his mouth go dry. His eyes locked onto the curve of Harry’s bum, shifting as he bent over to pick up his hair band. The milky white skin had a few absolutely adorable freckles. It was way too plump for Harry’s generally leaner frame. All Louis could think about was how it would feel to grab his bum, to squeeze it and give it a little slap. He could hear Harry giving off a little squeak and giggle in response.

“Sorry, Lou. Not tonight,” Harry said as he pulled on his briefs, which shook Louis out of his head with burning cheeks.

“Oh?” Louis asked, finally eyeing the piece of clothing he did have on. It was a nicer button up black shirt with darker flower designs. “Going out?”

Harry nodded, shifting through his closet for a pair of pants. “Yeah. Nick invited me out for a pint. Want to join?”

Louis blinked, trying to process what he was hearing. “You – you’re going out with Nick? Why?”

Harry laughed breezily as he pulled on briefs and a pair of jeans with more holes in them than material. They were very tight. He wore platform boots with them. “I’ll take that as a no, then.”

“Harry,” Louis grabbed hold of his arm lightly, forcing Harry to look at him.

“Louis,” Harry said in that annoyingly light tone. “It’s just a drink.”

Normally, the guys went out together. They had the best times together. Since the band started, Louis hadn’t felt an urge to deviate from that. When they met new people, they met them together and did things together. It wasn’t that Louis felt like Harry shouldn’t meet new people, but this just felt oddly rude. Nick never gave his card to the rest of them, yet he gave Harry his card in front of their faces. Still, Harry was his own person, no matter how much younger he was than the rest of them.

“Oh, right,” Louis said. “Um, Haz? Just be careful, okay?”

Harry’s smile made his heart stop. “I will, Lou. I’m not so young anymore. I’m bringing security.” And that fact hadn’t been made more clear before as Harry brushed his hair back over his head.

“No,” Louis said instead of mooning after him longer. “I think Nick is into you, that’s all.”

Harry snorted. “Maybe. He’s not really my type, but thanks for the observation.”

Louis followed behind Harry as he headed for the door, tugging his beanie further down his head in feeble hopes of covering his mouth for what was about to come out. There was no stopping him, though. “Right. Uh, just know, the more you hang out with him and his friends, well, the likely it is for people to think you’re actually gay, too.”

Harry stopped in his tracks completely. He turned, face more serious than Louis had ever seen before. “What’s the problem with that?”

“Nothing!” Louis rushed, eyes wide at the realization of how that sounded. “Absolutely nothing. Shit, I didn’t mean – I just mean…I dunno, actually.”

Harry smiled weakly, but there was concern in his eyes, as if he was trying to understand what motivated Louis to say that as well. “I know you’re not homophobic, Lou. Stop sweating, it’s not cute.”

Louis’ face fell and then he tried for a nervous laugh. “Good. I’m not.”

“Exactly,” Harry took a step backwards. “I’ll see you later.”

“Right.”

When the door closed, Louis felt it was closing on his heart. A horrid stab of betrayal hit his heart. He knew he shouldn’t have felt that way. Harry could do what he wanted. It just sucked when what he wanted didn’t include Louis.

His phone rang, displaying Eleanor’s name. He groaned. He really wasn’t interested in her company right now. She’d been away on business and now that she was back, Louis was sure she’d want to have sex. He truly wasn’t looking forward to that, not one bit.

“Hello, love,” Louis sighed as he answered the phone.

“Hey, babe,” she said in her soft voice that seemed far too high pitched now for his liking. “Want me to come over and celebrate your official time off? I have a new bra I think you’ll love.”

Louis fell back on the couch, feeling like he was going to cry suddenly. He had no idea where these emotions were coming from, but he wished they’d go away. He hadn’t felt so upset since he was a teenager.

“Sure, El. Want to watch Gogglebox?”

Eleanor paused. “Um, maybe. I was kind of hoping to spend more time in your bedroom, though…”

Louis felt pain prick his eyes. He just wanted to watch Gogglebox and make jokes about the people or the shows because he had already seen all aired episodes. Really, though, Eleanor wasn’t the person to do that with. She would roll her eyes at his jokes until she got annoyed and claimed she was trying to actually watch the show and shush him.

“Or do you want to come here? I think Harry doesn’t like it when I come over. Maybe we’re too loud or something,” she said offhandedly. She must have been doing something else at the moment. He was almost sure how loud they were was not a problem. Their sex life was cool, but it wasn’t exactly porn and certainly not mind blowing. Eleanor was quiet and so was he, normally too focused to make much louder sounds than small grunts.

“Nah, he’s gone out tonight.”

“Great, see you soon!”

When she hung up, Louis felt dread settling in. He didn’t know why, but Louis did not feel like entertaining tonight. He just wanted to be lazy and do nothing with people who required no effort to talk to. As much as he loved Eleanor, she required effort to talk to.

When she arrived, she immediately tried to jump him. He made the excuse of being hungry, so they called in pizza and ate that as she rambled on about her trip. They were just finishing up food on the couch when a thought struck Louis. He’d been trying to ignore how late it was getting and the fact that Harry wasn’t home yet, but then he remembered what Eleanor had said earlier.

“El?”

“Yeah?”

“Why did you think Harry didn’t like having you over here?” Louis asked, suddenly more interested. He’d never once thought Harry minded when Eleanor came over. In general, he went to her. Just last week, though, she came to their place. The three of them ate pizza and played Go Fish. Granted Eleanor ended the game early to drag Louis to bed, but other than that, he thought the night went well. Harry even walked Eleanor out the next morning.

“Louis, he walked in on us going at it last time,” Eleanor deadpanned as she faced him, placing her feet in his lap. “I wasn’t very subtle about what we were about to do, babe.”

He wished she’d stop calling him that. That was a minor incidence Louis really didn’t think much of. “He needed to borrow a hat. It was desperate.”

“He has millions of hats, Louis!” Eleanor exclaimed with laughter, running her hands through her hair. “Have you met the man?”

Louis hadn’t thought of that. “Well, sure, but he was rather quick about it. Was it really that big a deal?”

“Yes,” she emphasized. “I don’t actually share you, you know. No matter how many people now think I do…”

Louis couldn’t help but laugh a bit again. “Sorry about that, love. You do realize Harry, the entire band, and then some have seen more of me than my ass, right?”

“Yes, but not while you’re fucking me!” she hissed, as if someone could overhear them. She’d always been shy about the subject of sex. It was amusing and the complete opposite of the way the boys talked about sex. “It’s much more sexual and hotter than you just streaking for the fun of it.”

“So?”

Eleanor groaned, frustrated with him once again. “Louis! He’s obviously gay! Or bi or something! I’m sorry to just blurt it out, but he’s your best friend. Can’t you see it?”

Louis was floored. He didn’t know what to think, but he knew what to say. “Eleanor,” he hissed, shaking off her feet. “You can’t go around accusing someone of that, not someone as famous as Harry Styles.”

“I’m not!” She was shouting now. “I just don’t appreciate him checking out my boyfriend, that’s all.”

“Who cares? It’s not like – it’s not like I’m into him. And he’s not into me, either, even if he is checking me out. It’s Harry Styles. I’m not – no.”

Eleanor’s eyes grew in size. She stood slowly, as if there was a chance she’d lose her balance. “Oh god,” she whispered in horror. Her hands covered her mouth as she backed away. “Are you – are you into him?”

“What? Of course not!” Louis laughed. “El, babe, if you haven’t noticed, I’m very straight.”

Eleanor didn’t seemed convinced. “Is that why you didn’t want to have sex right away? I mean, Louis, I’m practically wearing nothing here!”

This was true. She wore a tank top with a push up bra and pajama bottoms that were too small. She looked like literal sex with her hair all a muck, and yet, Louis felt no urge to take her at the time. He didn’t think there was anything wrong with not wanting sex every once in a while.

“That’s not – of course I want to have sex,” Louis grabbed at her hand, pulling her down on his lap.

“Prove it then,” she said in a breathy tone, but all Louis could think about was that she smelled too sweet.

“You don’t have to ask twice,” Louis said, standing up and carrying her to the bedroom as she kissed him blindly. It was really quite dangerous, walking without being able to see. He stumbled into the wall once, but it only urged Eleanor on.

When they got into bed, he took off her clothes in a hurry, trying to get his body into it. Louis really just wasn’t into this. He kissed down her chest and groped her bottom, but no matter what he did, he felt nothing. There was no spark or excitement, nothing compared to the way he was when he woke up in the mornings with Harry wiggling his bum against him or when Harry would spend extra long giving him a love bite.

“Sorry, love, I’m a little tired,” Louis breathed, fingers fumbling around down her body as he brought her off without the use of his cock.

“I – it’s okay,” she said after she calmed down, eyes dilated and glassy, like she was having the time of her life. Louis wished he could feel the same. He didn’t understand why he couldn’t get even a hint of a response. Normally, it took a few minutes of messing around, sometimes more, but still he could normally count on watching her get off to give him something. “Maybe a blowjob might help.”

“Er – sure,” he huffed, flipping to his back as she moved between his legs. If he thought things were weird before, Eleanor sucking his very limp dick only made it worse. She grabbed his balls and still – nothing. “FUCK! Just stop, alrigh’?”

Eleanor sat up with a frown. He hair was a mess from the blanket, but she still looked great. Naked and post orgasm and all he could think to call her was great. Louis sat back against the headboard and clutched at his head. This was not happening. He couldn’t be gay. He lived his whole life as a straight man so far with more or less complete success. He had sex plenty of times with Eleanor, so why was this not working? Looking at it since the tour, he honestly had to admit that each time had been a struggle. Each time he’d been a little drunk, able to fantasize and imagine whatever he wanted without any inhibitions. Each time he’d thought about a different bum, a different pair of lips, a different experience all together.

When he looked up, Eleanor was sitting patiently, legs crossed and expression neutral. She grabbed her tank top and pulled it on. It made his skin crawl. Louis pulled at his hair, dragging his skin down with it. “Couldn’t you, you know, yell at least? Be a little angry and less understanding?”

Eleanor laughed without any hint of humor. She moved beside Louis and leaned her head on his shoulder. “It’s okay to be gay, love.”

Louis took a shaking breath. “It just doesn’t make any sense, El. I’ve been happy with you and other girls before. It’s not like it’s been bad exactly…”

“But it’s felt like a task, right?” Eleanor asked with all sincerity. Louis’ mouth was left gaping at her words because they were so true. He nodded. “Sex isn’t supposed to feel happy. It’s meant to be breath-taking and world altering. I imagine you’ll understand when you have sex with a guy. With Harry, specifically.”

Louis snorted. “Yeah right. Harry’s not…”

“Yeah, can’t be so sure of someone else if you’re not even sure about yourself,” Eleanor laughed, then looked guilty for it. “Sorry.”

“You’re fine,” Louis breathed. “I’m so sorry, love.”

Eleanor nodded numbly. “I am, too. I loved you, Louis, and I think you loved me, at least a little…but not as much as Harry.”

“I don’t love h -,” Louis had to stop. He had to stop lying to her. He had to stop lying to himself. “I did love you, El. I still love you, but…like your gay best friend.” He said in a high pitch voice with a cheesy smile that made Eleanor grin. It cut through the tension finally. She shook with laughter, pressing her lips against his shoulder. “Can you please not tell anyone about this? Especially the boys?”

Eleanor turned to him with a frown. She rested her hand on his. “Of course, Louis, but you should tell them. They’re your best mates. They’ll love you no matter what.”

Louis bit his lip. “I can’t do it. I need to wrap my head around things first.”

Eleanor rolled her eyes. “It’s more than that and we both know it.”

Louis groaned. “I dunno. It’s like…if they know, they’ll think I’m into Harry. Or they won’t want me hanging on them like I do or pulling pranks or…anything.”

Eleanor sighed. “Well, you are into Harry, first off.”

“It doesn’t matter. I’m not going to do a thing about it,” Louis snorted.

“You should, but still, they won’t care. I know them, and so do you.”

Louis closed his eyes for what felt like an hour. Eleanor just sat there, running a hand through his hair distractedly. “What will we tell the press?”

Louis shrugged. “Just tell them we grew apart. If you must, you can throw me under the bus. I do feel awful.”

“I know,” she said, “which is why I’m not going to do that. I enjoyed our time together, babe. Besides, who else can say she dated a member of One Direction?”

Louis and Eleanor both burst into laughter. “I love you, El.”

“I love you, too, Louis. But if you don’t mind, I think I’m going to go home and try to recover from sucking your limp willy.”

“Oh my god,” Louis groaned. He turned and pressed a kiss to her cheek. “I’m so sorry, for tonight and not realizing this sooner.”

“It’s okay. Be more honest with yourself from now on, okay?” She pulled on her clothes, and so did Louis. When he walked her to the door, she paused. “If you need to talk to anyone about this, I’m always free. I’d imagine this can’t be fun to go through alone.”

Louis grimaced. It wasn’t. It really wasn’t. “Thank you, love.”

He kissed her goodbye, dreading what news she held.

He was fucked.

. . .

Harry didn’t go out with Nick again. He claimed he felt horrible for not being there for the breakup. “They’re always easier to understand when you hear it word for word. Why did you break things off again?” Harry would ask, and each time, Louis would respond with, “It was mutual. I began, but she agreed immediately. Don’t worry about it.”

Despite Louis not being hung up about ending it with Eleanor, he was still less himself. Rather, he was less his celebrity self.

He never felt like going out anymore; what was the point of going out if he couldn’t have hopes of bringing someone home? He wasn’t into girls, and he couldn’t pick up a guy without the boys noticing. He was quieter now because he was terrified of spilling his secret to Harry, whom he told everything to. It made sense for Harry to think he was upset, but he just didn’t know why.

The extra attention from Harry was nice, though. It was more than nice. Aside from trying out gay porn, Harry was the main reason he could definitely confirm he was gay. He was so gay. He was so gay every time Harry came out of his room shirtless, images of Louis running his tongue along those abs flashed through his mind. It was almost torturous.

It didn’t matter though. Louis could take a little blue balls. Aside from hiding it from his closest friends, he couldn’t have been happier. Despite practically no one knowing, he felt a little freer. He no longer bashed himself for staring at men. He no longer forced himself to be with girls.

He spent a long time that way.

As 2014 heated up, the concerts kept getting better. It was almost the midpoint of their tour, and they couldn’t have been having more fun. It was perfect.

While between songs, Niall, Harry and he were entertaining the crowd while Zayn and Liam took a break.

“Let’s read some signs, Lou, yeah?” Harry came to him, throwing an arm over his shoulders and pulling further on stage. Louis grinned, eyes scanning the crowd. “’I love Larry Stylinson.’ Look at that one, Lou. Hey, girl in the red,” he said, pointing the girl out. “Yes, you, not your bloody mum, though she is lovely.” The crowd laughed, so Harry slipped the words in during the muffle, “I love Larry, too!”

He yanked Louis closer and latched his lips onto his neck. “Oi! Piss off, you!” Louis laughed, shoving Harry away but keeping the grin on his face. “Alright – ah!” Louis ducked as a bra was thrown his way.

“What are you doing? Scared of a bra? This is not the Louis Tomlinson I know,” Harry said, feigning complete shock. Niall caught a pair of underwear and grabbed it out of the air, waving it around like it was a trophy.

“Oh god, I hope that’s clean, Nialler,” Louis snickered. Niall made a face and dropped them, inching away slowly.

The crowd burst into laughter, and then another thing came flying at Harry and Louis. They grabbed it together and found it to be an LGBTQ pride flag. The two shared a curious look before Harry snatched it out of his hands and held it around his neck like a cape, running around screaming, “Love. Is. Love! Love. Is. Love!”

In that moment, Louis felt so stupid. Of course he could come out to them. Honestly, aside from him actually being gay, Harry was more prideful of the LGBTQ community than Louis. Niall whooped, and Zayn and Liam came back on stage cheering as well. All Louis could manage was to stare in awe, blinking furiously to keep from crying. Harry came back to Louis’ side with a wide smile, one that made fear run through his mind. Did he know?

It couldn’t wait. He was near exploding with this news. He’d been holding it in for far too long. Louis wrapped a hand around Harry’s waist and pulled him in close, speaking with his mouth against his ear. “Haz, I’m gay.”

Harry pulled back only far enough to look at him, their breath mixing together. If this hadn’t been such a tremendous moment for him, he’d be overwhelmed with the urge to kiss him. Harry’s lips broke into a smile that produced his infamous dimples. “I love you, Lou. Gay arse and all.”

He pressed his lips to his cheek in a discreet but overwhelming manner. Louis beamed at him, tightening his hold on his waist before turning back to the crowd and thrusting the flag higher.

After the concert, Harry pulled Louis to the side, eyes bright and wide. “Lou!”

“Harry!”

“Why didn’t you tell me sooner? What about Eleanor? I – what?” Harry said breathlessly. Louis bit his lip, shifting from foot to foot.

“You’re not mad? I mean, the cuddling and-,”

Harry scowled, gripping his arms tightly. “Louis, get off it. I couldn’t give a shit. Wank off to me for all I care – I’d be flattered.”

Louis smiled with relief, scratching the back of his neck as he looked at Harry’s feet because he had definitely masturbated to Harry before. “Uh, well, I didn’t know…not until, well, remember when El and I broke up? Yeah, then. Finally hit me when I really, really couldn’t get it up one night.”

Harry’s eyes went wide. He grew a mischievous grin. “Bloody hell, really?”

Louis started giggling, and so did Harry. “Yeah. Tried giving me a blowie. Didn’t go well…”

“Oh, Lou, no,” Harry grinned like Louis had just made his day. That thought made his heart jump far too high.

“Indeed, I’m afraid. It was all warm spit and limp dick,” Louis snickered, and that put Harry on the floor as he rolled in laughter. “It’s not – okay, it’s a little funny.”

Once Harry and Louis were done laughing, they walked slowly back towards their dressing room. “I’m sorry, Hazza. I wanted to tell you, but…”

“Lou, you don’t have to explain yourself to me,” Harry said, hugging him tighter. “And if you think this gets you out of sharing your bed with me, you’re wrong.”

Louis threw his head back in laughter. “I wouldn’t dream of it, mate.”

They quieted down as they neared the dressing room. Sounds of laughter came from inside the room. Harry turned to Louis in question. “Ready to tell them?”

Louis bit his bottom lip. “No?”

“Alright.”

The next day, they hung around the dressing room for a while before the concert. Originally, they had an interview scheduled, but they canceled on them. Louis and Harry had one later and so did the other three with someone else, but for now they were holed up in their dressing room.

“Let’s do an Instagram live video,” Niall announced. Harry lifted his feet from his lap as Niall shot to his feet. Louis’ hands were running through Harry’s curls.

“Alright,” Harry said. Louis nodded.

“Zayn’s asleep,” Liam muttered, standing up. “I’m going to go call Sophia. Maybe after.” He disappeared into the side room with two private cots set up for their napping leisure. It was a little rude to possibly wake Zayn up while calling Sophia, but Louis didn’t have much time to think on that.

Niall hopped in front of the couch that Louis and Harry were stretched out on. All three tweeted out they were going live before Niall propped the phone up and began the stream. Immediately, thousands were watching.

“Hello,” Harry said. Louis waved with a tight smile while Niall began rambling. They held random conversation for a while. “I’m thinking,” he paused for a dramatic effect. “I’m thinking about letting my hair grow out. Thoughts?”

“To where?” Niall asked. “Watch out. You’ll look like female barbie Ken.”

Louis pulled one of his curls out straight and smiled at the thought of there being even more hair to run his hands through. “Nah, I love it. He’ll look beautiful.”

Niall shrugged. “If ye say so.”

“Can you stop throwing your wrappers in my face, Lou?” Harry huffed, throwing a handful of Hershey kiss wrappers at Louis, who only continued to eat more chocolate with a gleeful grin. “Oh, you think you’re the only one who can eat kisses? Niall, give me some kisses.”

The comments flooded with cries of outrage at Harry cheating on Larry. Louis brought that to his attention to which he claimed, “You can’t tie me down, babe.”

In less than a minute, Niall propped the phone up to film their competition while he went to the toilets. In the beginning, Louis was winning because Harry spent the first ten seconds idly unwrapping one kiss while watching Louis frantically go at it, which only made Louis start laughing. To get him into the game, Louis threw one kiss at him and hit his eye.

“Oww!” Harry said in that slow voice that made Louis want to stuff his mouth…with his own tongue. More or less. Then, Harry started unwrapping kisses and swallowing them whole, which was just a crime to Louis. Still, they were beginning to get into a tie when Louis ate one with the white wrapper still on and gagged. That sent Harry into a fit of giggles, something that used to be a common occurrence but now was slowly growing rarer. It was so pure and beautiful that it made Louis want to cry.

He was sent laughing again as Louis stuck his tongue out at him. “Now kiss me you fool!”

And honestly, how could Louis say no? If it had been anywhere else, he would have indulged himself in the pleasure of kissing those plump, tempting lips of Harry’s. However, they were on camera, and it wasn’t like they needed to actually fuel Larry Stylinson.

So Louis immediately lunged and fell over top Harry, kissing his neck in a way much more intimate than a regular love bit. Harry continued laughing, so Louis finished off the kiss by truly sucking. He wanted to leave an unmistakable mark, humoring his fantasies of being able to say Harry was his and his only.

Niall came out of the bathroom then, and with Louis lying atop Harry, Niall decided the challenge was over and stole the phone, going over to bug Liam. Louis was still laughing, peering curiously at Harry, who’s laughter had slowly quieted.

“What is it?” Louis asked, poking his nose with a finger. Harry brushed some hair from Louis’ eyes.

“Do you really think I’ll look beautiful with long hair? Like down to my shoulders?”

Louis’ cheeks burned. His eyes flickered down to Harry’s neck, which had an old love bite mark and a quickly forming new one. “Well, yeah. I mean, you already are beautiful, but I can imagine you looking…absolutely angelic, Hazza.”

The smile Harry awarded him was enough to cure any form of depression Louis could ever fall into. “Lou?”

“Hmm?”

“Watch my interview tonight, okay?”

“Always do,” Louis said, eyes squinting curiously. “Why?”

Harry shrugged. “You’ll see.”

Louis definitely did see. The first thing he did after his interview was over was step into the limo and play the video clip Harry sent him. They hadn’t edited it yet.

In the middle of the video, Harry was asked to give four traits he looked for in girls. Liam said, “Uh, female, for starters.”

The interviewer looked to Harry for confirmation, and he just made a face. Louis’ heart stopped at his next words. “Eh, not really that important,” he said, brilliant dirty grin on his face. Liam made an ‘O’ shaped face and began to laugh along with him.

And Louis suddenly felt so whole he couldn’t stop smiling.

“What’s up with you?” Zayn asked, nudging his leg. “What did you just watch?”

“Nothing,” he murmured before showing them the video. Niall and Zayn shared a look. Without warning, they slid on either side of him. “What?”

“Louis,” Niall slung an arm around his shoulders. “When are you going to tell him?”

“Tell him wh-,”

“Don’t play dumb,” Zayn said, eyebrow raising in question.

Louis suddenly couldn’t breathe. His throat was constricting. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“We know you fancy Harry, alrigh’?” Niall exclaimed.

“I do not!”

“You stare at him all the time. His butt specifically,” Zayn rolled his eyes. “You broke up with your girlfriend the first time he ever went out with another gay guy you didn’t particularly like. Plus you two cuddle all the time, and we’ve seen you pop a semi once or twice from it.”

Louis wanted to speak, but he couldn’t. This never occurred to him – them asking him. He’d always assumed he’d come out to them on his own terms. Then again, after Harry’s interview, he already felt the urge to tell the band. When he finally looked Niall in the eye, he fell apart, head falling back so he stared at the ceiling. “But it doesn’t mean he’d ever be into me.”

“He told you to watch this for a reason, Lou. Literally, the only thing in this he’s never said outright is that he doesn’t care if his love interest is female or not.”

“Even before this, we all could have guessed,” Zayn muttered with mirth.

Louis sighed, looking at them both with gratitude. “Thanks, mates. I – I should have told you all sooner.”

Zayn shrugged. “We get it.”

“So, about telling him…?”

“Not a chance,” Louis grinned. “Love the enthusiasm, but that’d just cause problems.”

Zayn moved back to his seat across from them. “Just remember, Harry won’t always be available.”

Louis scoffed at that. Sure, he may fall into other relationships, but he’d always have his best mate. That’s all that mattered to Louis. Attempting to move past friendship meant risking ending their friendship all together.

. . .

Louis finally got around to making that food. He’d never cooked before, so it was decently scary at first. He thought he would burn the apartment to the ground. It wasn’t too simple, either. He personally thought anything stuffed with anything was more original than easy pasta.

Harry emerged from his room when Louis was nearly done. “What the fuck are you doing, mate?” Harry snorted at the image of Louis at the kitchen. His only response was a grin. “You – you’re cooking! Why?”

Louis shrugged. When he told his plans to Niall at recording that day, Niall claimed he’d hit the jackpot on being whipped. Louis waved him off. All he wanted was to cook for someone, and Eleanor was no longer in the picture. So what if Harry felt a little romanced tonight? He deserved that, too.

“Figured can’t knock it til you try it, yeah?” Louis shrugged, stirring the mash. Harry came over and wrapped his hands around Louis’ waist, resting his head on his shoulder. It made Louis’ eyes close it felt so good. This was better than any night out. This was better than any concert or song or sex. This was everything he craved.

“Smells amazing,” Harry breathed, his hair tickling Louis’ ear. He’d begun growing it out, and it was almost kissing his shoulders now. Harry claimed he looked ridiculous in the in between stages.

“What can I say? It’s a talent,” Louis beamed, spinning in his arms to view Harry. He was dressed in joggers and a tank, exposing more of his tattoos he was slowly accumulating.

Harry peered to the bin on the floor next to them and raised an eyebrow. “A talent that included burning your first chicken?”

“Well, yes love, it’s not a science,” Louis leaned forward and bit at Harry’s collarbone. Harry smirked, a look that used to be innocent with a hint of mischief. Now it was dirty with minor lingering innocence. “I hope you’re hungry.”

“Starving,” Harry breathed, tugging the beanie Louis was wearing down. He leaned forward, spurring Louis’ heart to take off in a sprint. Harry’s lips breathed into his ear, sending shivers and goosebumps down his body. Louis had to close his eyes. “Your timer is done, Lou.”

At first, he didn’t hear the word. He stayed pinned against the counter, imagining all the dirty things Harry could say in that sweet, deep voice. Then, the words registered, and jumped up, grabbing mitts and pulling the chicken out of the oven. Harry was giggling like he used to when they were young.

They ate with idle chatter, both more impressed with his cooking than either expected. Louis’ feet kept colliding with Harry’s under the table, and each time they would look at each other and grin. Sometimes, Louis would throw in a wink, or Harry would and send Louis on a choking fit. Still, the smiles Harry gave were different. He didn’t know if it was because he looked different now – older and more mature, but sometimes, he looked sadder.

“Haz, how are you?” Louis asked. “I mean really. You just seem out of reach these days.”

Harry frowned, though he didn’t look as shocked as he should have been. His eyes were trained on his food. “I’m good, Lou. I feel like I can be myself more and more. It’s…nice.”

Louis pressed his lips together. “I’m sure.”

Harry nodded, seeming to tip toe around what he wanted to say. “It’s mostly been support, you know.”

Louis raised an eyebrow incredulously. “Might be a little difficult when you never said the exact words, Haz.”

Harry rolled his eyes, huffing in a way that seemed too familiar for him, as if he did that often. Louis knew he didn’t, at least not to him. “There’s no need to label it, Lou. Not for me.”

“I know,” Louis stuffed his mouth with potatoes, eager to move on from this conversation. “But for me it is. It’s not like I was ignoring one side of me. I was ignoring all of me, and…that’s just a little pathetic, isn’t it?”

Harry looked at him sadly, as if he’d just kicked a baby. “No, Lou. Nobody thinks that…except maybe you.”

Louis’ mouth dropped. “I do not!”

“Really?” Harry questioned. “I mean…are you actually okay with being gay? It’s just confusing. You used to shag girl after girl before Eleanor. But it’s been almost a whole year since you figured out you’re gay and I don’t think you’ve even said you’ve kissed a guy.”

It was like everything stilled. Harry was on to him, but not for the reason he was thinking. How could he explain that he hadn’t wanted to kiss anyone other than Harry? How could he explain that while other lads were quite handsome, Harry was unearthly beautiful? How could he explain that being touched by anyone else just felt wrong?

“I – I have,” Louis finally said, though he doubted Harry would believe him.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Do you tell me every time you kiss someone?” Louis challenged back. “I’m not embarrassed to admit I’m gay, but I’m also not really looking for anyone to be with right now.”

Harry sighed morosely, pinching the bridge between his nose. “Right. I’m sorry.”

Louis felt embarrassed. He felt a little humiliated with Harry acting like the professional when it came to sex. It was unnerving. Louis could guess more or less when Harry had a new hookup. Most of the time, Harry would come home in the morning, but every now and then, Louis caught sight of the newest guy or girl.

“You’re not,” Louis crossed his hands over his chest. “You’re not sorry. You’re angry.”

“Angry? Lou, I could never be angry with you,” Harry said, voice sounding sincere, but Louis knew better. He knew that Harry was a pacifist. He knew Harry would avoid confrontation with him before anyone else.

Louis balled his fists, trying to control his own irritation. “You’re angry I won’t come out, right?”

Harry faltered. “No. It’s your decision…I just don’t understand.”

Louis felt frustration poking at his heart, poking until it froze up completely. “Yeah. Good thing it doesn’t concern you then.”

“I just want to help you-,”

“I don’t need any help,” Louis hissed. “It’s nobody’s business. I’m not going through that. I’m not boasting it to the world so they can laugh at me for taking so long to know what I want. I have no reason to. No boyfriend or urge to have hook ups. It’s. Not. Happening.”

Harry’s eyes lost their gleam, fading until they were miles away. Hurt was visible in them, and Louis supposed he understood that. They’d never had a fight this serious before, and Louis had certainly never snapped at him like that.

“Right,” Harry muttered, eyes downcast and focused on his food. “All good.”

Except, it wasn’t.

. . .

It happened gradually. It was as gradual as a rebellion. Louis didn’t notice the signs, but when he realized what was going on, it hit him like a brick and there was absolutely nothing he could do to stop it.

After the tour, and Zayn leaving them, Louis and Harry decided to continue living together. Even though Harry warned Louis the Larry rumors would only grow, Louis didn’t care. He couldn’t care, really. Louis couldn’t chance not seeing Harry every day. It was too painful to imagine.

Two days into their break, Harry came out of his room dressed ready for the red carpet. Louis, standing shirtless at the counter with his cereal bowl in hand, made a wolf whistle. “Why so dressy?”

“Going out,” Harry said, running a hand through his hair, distracting Louis. His hair had grown so fast it was slowly becoming intoxicating. “Please come, Lou. Nick knows all the gay bars here. I’m sure we can get a private-,”

“Thanks, Haz, but I’m fine here,” Louis said even though the words tasted like dirt. He desperately wanted to go out. They had taken their time during writing and recording to relax, and now the addiction that was the fast-paced lifestyle was catching up to Louis. No matter how tempting it was, he’d never go. The chance of being seen was too high, but if Harry begged long enough, he would be willing to budge on that. The most influential factor was the Nick factor.

Nick had been over almost once a week since they got back. They had an interview with him as a band where Nick asked Louis one question, Liam and Niall five each, and Harry about ten. After the interview, he again asked Harry to hang out in front of their faces. This time, Harry didn’t wait a few weeks to accept.

Harry’s face fell. “Lou, I miss going out with you. You never go out anymore.”

Louis shrugged. “Not for me.”

Harry rolled his eyes, creating a knot in his stomach. “Yes, it is. Clubs are more your scene than mine. I know you, mate. You can’t hide from me.”

Oh, could he ever.

“Harry, if I wanted to go out, I would.” Louis pointed at him with his spoon. “And it wouldn’t be with Grimshaw.”

Harry’s face fell. “So. You still hate him.”

Louis almost choked on his cereal. “Out! Out of my presence, Mr. Styles!”

Normally, Harry would laugh and continue pestering him. At the least, he would humor him. Now, all he did was grimace. He shuffled his feet a bit. “Gonna have to come out some time, Lou.”

Then, he was gone before Louis even had time to ask if he meant out to the clubs or out of the closet. Knowing Harry, he probably meant both.

Stabs of pain rendered Louis incapable of moving. He fell against the counter, disregarding the spilling cereal and tried to fight back tears. It made no sense for him to feel betrayed. Harry did ask Louis to join, multiple times really. It was dumb. He was dumb.

But he supposed that’s what loving someone did to a cowardly man like Louis.

Louis spent the night watching Gogglebox alone (Harry had long ago gotten too busy to keep up with it), taking a long bath, and then lying sleeplessly in bed. It was painfully boring. Louis could imagine what it’d be like if he would have gone out. He could imagine how paranoid he’d be, terrified that if he looked at a guy the wrong way, tabloids would be plastered with news that Louis was the old gay guy who couldn’t even realize it for the first twenty years of his life. He’d spend it mourning his loss of Harry, as well, as he danced with person after person, uncaring about ripping Louis’ heart apart.

Louis hadn’t realized he’d been crying until his door swung open.

“Lou?” Harry asked in a voice that belonged to a child. Louis instantly sat up.

“Yeah?”

“Can I sleep with you?” Harry hadn’t asked in a long time. They still cuddled from time to time, but if they ended up sharing a bed, it was because of Louis, and it was slowly growing less and less. He didn’t want to annoy Harry in his own bed so often when he never returned the request.

“Of course, Haz. That’s not even a question,” Louis croaked, not realizing his voice had been so thick. Head tucked down, Harry quickly joined Louis in bed, nuzzling his head in the crook of Louis’ neck.

“Were you…crying?” Harry asked, pulling away and touching his cheek, shocked by the moisture on it.

“No,” Louis lied poorly, clearing his throat.

“Louis, what’s wrong? Why didn’t you call me?” Harry hovered over top him now, eyes scanning his face as if that could point out the problem. It made Louis laugh, but that only pointed out the fact that he definitely had been crying seconds before.

“Because it’s dumb,” Louis admitted.

Harry’s eyes were pleading, desperate even. They reminded him of himself as he stared in the mirror, trying to pull out the courage to let the world and Harry know who he was in love with: defeated. Instead of saying whatever it was he wanted to, Harry whispered, “Well, whatever it is, don’t worry about it. It’ll work out.” Normally, his words were comforting, but those were the exact opposite thing to say. There was no way this could ever work out. He wanted to cry again, feeling his eyes grow moist again. “Your eyes are beautiful when you cry. That should be a crime.”

Then, Louis was laughing and crying at the same time. He clutching at Harry’s shirt, pulling him against him so he could breathe in the scent.

“Fuck, Lou, what do you need? Tell me what to do,” Harry ran his hands down Louis’ face, over and over. It was so soothing he could almost make himself believe Harry would always be there to do this, always be there for him first.

“Just…don’t leave,” Louis said with a shaking voice. He wanted to say ‘don’t leave me,’ but then it would give it away. He constantly had to watch what he said, constantly had to monitor everything about him. There was always a constant reminder that he couldn’t be himself, ever, not even with Harry if he wanted to keep Harry. It was a never-ending paradox.

“I’ll never leave you, babe,” Harry spoke into his hair, pressing kisses against him wherever was deemed necessary. “Never.”

God, that was such a lie.

. . .

A month later, Louis decided he would go out. It was time to stop hiding. Every night spent at home sent him into his darkest hours. It was exhausting, and it was time to end. He didn’t used to be like that. He used to be the bubbly, mischievous prankster of One Direction. Now, he spent all his days as the mopey, lonely, depressed Louis Tomlinson. He was sure he could bring back the old Louis. He had to, just like he had to bring back the old Harry Styles who actually preferred being around Louis over his new talk show friends.

Dressed in his tightest ripped jeans and a tank with his favorite band on it, Louis pushed open Harry’s door. “Alright, Haz, you ready for tonight?” Harry looked up from his closet. He was in a fluffy white robe – a gift from Nick. It made Harry look much too big for his perfect curls. “Harry! Why aren’t you ready? Niall wants us to meet his girlfriend at their place before we go out!”

Harry turned with wide eyes. “Shit! That’s tonight? I promised Nick’s friend I’d be at their club opening in an hour!”

Louis felt his stomach fall. He’d been looking forward to going out with Harry and the boys again. It would have truly felt like old times, even if Zayn wasn’t there. Now, without Harry, he’d just be the fifth wheel when Liam inevitably would bring l his girlfriend, like usual.

“Right then,” Louis turned his back, unable to look at Harry in his anger. He wanted to shout at him. He wanted to beg him. He wanted to ask him where the fuck his loyalties lied. He wanted to ask how he could just forget going out with the band after an entire month of not seeing them.

“Lou-,”

“Nah. Have fun. Maybe we’ll see you out there,” Louis lied. They’d never find them because Harry was going to a gay club, he was sure, and Louis was too scared to step foot near one of those.

The entire night passed in a blur. After the awkward house pregaming where Niall and Liam offered to ditch their girlfriends, they went to the clubs, bouncing from one to the next each time enough people recognized them. It was nice, seeing a bunch of fans and meeting new people, but nobody stuck. It was face after face, all spinning into one name. With each new person he met, he had another drink, trying to forget Harry’s name, if just for once night.

Louis ended the night throwing up in Niall’s bathroom.

When he walked in the next morning, Harry was sitting on the couch, watching Gogglebox like it was the worst show alive. As the door opened, Harry didn’t look up. “Hey, mate,” Louis said, swallowing back more bile.

“Hi,” Harry said tersely. “How was your night?”

“Horrid, really,” Louis moved for tea, desperate for the pounding hangover to disappear. “Nothing of interest.” He had trouble speaking, unsure why Harry refused to look at him.

“Yeah? You should try coming out with us sometime. Loads of fun,” Harry muttered into his cuppa. Louis was already loading up the instant rejection, but he felt like this was different. He felt like this was the last time he may be invited. Whatever the reason was, he felt like Harry hated him. Maybe it was because he wouldn’t go out with his friends. If that was the case, fine then. He’d be adaptable. He’d be open to meeting new people, even if he was completely satisfied with his old friends.

“Okay.”

Harry turned around. “Okay?”

“Yeah. I’ll go out with you all.”

“Even Nick?” Louis bit his tongue but nodded. It’d be a painful night, that was for sure. Suddenly, Harry was stumbling over to Louis, eyes full of hope. Then he got closer and seemed to remember something, eyes falling back to their dull dimness. “Tonight?”

Despite not thinking he could handle another drop of alcohol for weeks, Louis agreed. Hours later, he found himself dressing in similar clothing of last night, hoping nobody would notice he was using the same jeans. His bum looked too good in them to pass up.

This was his last resort with Harry.

Harry walked with a pep in his step the entire way to the club. He talked animatedly about all the people Louis would get to meet. There was Angél, Paulie, Stan, Vicrum, and a few more that all fell into the box labeled ‘people Louis wanted to murder.’ As they approached the club, Louis felt more eyes on him than ever. Harry seemed to notice because he stopped and turned to Louis.

“If anyone asks about it, say you’re humoring me for the night. Phones aren’t allowed inside, so it’ll just be word of mouth, and that never holds up these days,” Harry said, hands gripping Louis’ arms tightly for reassurance. It’d been so long since he’d touched him, Louis realized. It sent his head in a spin. It was a constant cycle of ‘god I want you, god I hate you.’

“T-thanks,” Louis mumbled, eyes downcast at feeling so patronized. Here Harry was, two years his junior, reassuring him, reminding him to not be afraid of who he was.

Without his usual sarcasm on hand due to being put in one of his least favorable situations to think of, Louis felt exposed. He felt like this wasn’t the friendship he was used to. This wasn’t the Larry he loved. This was the sad, scared Louis tagging along to the new, popular Harry Styles.

However, upon seeing Nick Grimshaw, his sarcasm returned.

“Look at what the cat dragged in! A cliché boy bander!” Nick ‘teased,’ slinging an arm around Harry and Louis, thereby separating them.

Louis’ eyes were flaming. “And look at this! The plastic toy walking and talking, everybody!”

Surprisingly, many of Nick’s posse laughed.

They were gathered around a table in the club while the dance floor was occupied with almost all men. “Aw, this one’s cute, Styles. Why haven’t you brought him along sooner?”

Styles. Louis felt like spitting at that. How unoriginal.

When the man tried to pinch his cheeks, Louis drew the line, raising a finger to ward him off. “Louis doesn’t make it out much anymore,” Harry ran a hand through those gorgeous locks, something he did when nervous. He supposed it would be awkward trying to explain your roommate’s sudden obsession with his room.

“Why are you here, Louis?” Nick asked, moving to stand directly beside him and, again, between he and Harry. Okay, Nick definitely had something for Harry.

“Why not?”

“Well, for starters, you’re not gay,” Nick snorted, gaining a few laughs from his friends. Louis felt silly, suddenly. He had a point. To the public, he wasn’t gay. He couldn’t exactly dance in front of Nick without the world knowing. No matter what Harry said, he’d never trust Nick Grimshaw. He was a talk show host, anyways. Imagine the views his show would get with the exclusive about Louis Tomlinson hiding his sexuality for twenty-three years.

“Along for the ride,” Louis lifted his drink to his lips, downing more than he’d intended. It was too fruity for his tastes. Harry followed suit, and soon the entire table needed more drinks. Louis scowled.

“Alright. Enjoy yourself then,” Nick said. There was an evil glint in his eye as he said to the table, “Let’s dance!”

Harry began to protest, but Nick and Paulie dragged him by the arm towards the dance floor. With apologetic eyes yet a bright smile, Harry held up one finger, saying one song. Louis looked at the bottom of his drink with venom, refusing to even acknowledge that point.

“I think you need another,” said a voice to his right. It was Stan, one of the quiet ones who laughed at Louis’ comments before. When he set two shots in front of Louis, he laughed at Louis’ expression. “It looks like you could use it.”

Louis closed his eyes temporarily. He couldn’t be an arse to everyone just because they knew Nick…or just because he was in a shitty mood. So he turned to face Stan and was surprised that he wasn’t terribly ugly. With a name like Stan, he was expecting a balding man nearing his forties. This guy was his age with a head of black hair. “Do I look that miserable?”

Stan shrugged, idly sipping his beer. “Yes.”

Louis snorted. Very fitting, he supposed. “Yeah, well, I’m sort of a mess.”

Stan nodded. “That Styles sure can cast spells, even on his bandmates, apparently. He got me, that was for sure.”

Louis’ eyes went wide. “I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about, but you can shut up about it.” Stan didn’t move for a good minute, making Louis feel slightly bad. “Sleep with him then?”

Stan laughed, hand touching between Louis’ shoulder blades softly. “Nah, mate. He doesn’t seem completely…all there when it comes to relationships. Can’t help that Nick’s up his arse all the time, too. Nobody could get laid with him around.”

Louis laughed after taking a shot. “Good then. It’s not just me.”

“It’s not. Nick has a crush. Has had one for years on him, but Harry’s just now fueling it with his interest,” Stan explained. “Nick does that, bounces from friend to friend, even if he never sleeps with them.” Louis wanted to believe him, but nobody just ‘bounces’ away from Harry Styles. It didn’t happen.

After taking his next shot, Louis felt the urge to call Niall to come save him from this place before remembering cell phones were held at the front. Stupid hipster joint. Louis couldn’t even force himself to hate it because of course this was where Harry partied at. This was his place. This was where he thrived, seeing by the fact he hadn’t left the dance floor for half an hour straight. Harry was moving with the times, with the trends, setting them even. Louis was still in the 2000’s, listening to his rock and metal and trying to push away the pain instead of dulling it. Neither method was successful.

“Want to dance?” Stan asked after a long time of silence. Louis had downed more shots by now.

“No.” Louis shook his head, looking at Stan. “Thanks, mate.”

Stan offered a smile, one free of separation or walls or forbidden words. His smile was nice. It was warm. It was safe.

“I kinda want to get out of here,” Louis stood, stumbling into Stan’s helpful hands. He offered one of his smiles that expressed all unclean intentions he had. Stan was fit. His eyes, while dark, offered a good time. At the least, he was comforting. “With you.”

Stan seemed shocked. “Really? Not Styles?”

Louis rolled his eyes. “He can piss off. I like what I’m looking at here.”

It wasn’t a lie. Louis did want to tell Harry to piss off, but not out of disinterest – more out of anger, betrayal, pettiness, love, hatred, and so much more. Stan didn’t need to know the details, though. And by the looks of it, he didn’t care. They cut through the dance floor, and Louis was too drunk to see if they passed any of Nick’s friends or Nick. Or Harry. He decided he didn’t care. He was drunk and was going to finally have sex that was good and everyone else could fuck themselves.

So they left, got back to Louis’ room, had sex, and that was that.

. . .

Louis woke to the smell of bacon frying and immediately felt the urge to puke. He rolled over the body on his bed, at first assuming it was Harry like old times, and made a mad dash for the bathroom. His bathroom was across the hall, and he made a big scene of throwing both doors open as he collapsed by the toilet, emptying his stomach in the white porcelain.

“Shit, Lou,” Harry breathed from the doorway, making Louis’ eyes go wide. “Had a little much to drink? They make them strong, but there’s normally so much sugar in them you don’t notice, though that can’t be good on your stomach either…”

Harry wouldn’t stop rambling, and Louis was convinced that was the reason he vomited a second time.

“Hey, I’m sorry I sort of ditched you last night. I was a proper twat. My mates said you had a great time, though.” Louis puked again. My mates. His mates were his bandmates, not the barmy prats he hung with every night now. “Can’t wait to hear all about it.”

Louis started puking again, but nothing was coming out. Harry inched closer, pressing a cool cloth to his forehead. Fuck him and fuck his niceness. “Oi, why are you naked, love?”

Louis’ head violently moved toward the toilet as clear liquid streamed from his mouth. He couldn’t imagine where all this was coming from, but he didn’t get much time to ponder that fact.

“Louis? Where’d you disappear to?” Stan said laughingly from his bedroom across the hall. “I don’t know about you, but I could go for a round two.”

Louis groaned, shaking his head and feeling like he could pass out. He wanted to pass out. He wanted to stop feeling or sensing anything. Feeling Harry go stiff against his forehead was enough to make someone want to kill themselves.

“Y-you fucked someone? You fucked Stan?” Harry asked slowly, as if trying to piece together a puzzle he did not want to solve.

“I suppose so,” Louis fumbled over his words. “Can’t remember a damn thing. Though my arsehole seems to think it was the other way around.”

Harry seemed to be at a loss of words, as sick as Louis almost. He sat with his back against the wall, down to Louis’ size. All he did was stare until finally, he said one word, “Why.” It wasn’t a question. It wasn’t even a demand. It was full of unrecognizable emotion with unrecognizable meaning.

Feeling like he lost all hydration, Louis collapsed on his stomach, not even having the energy to look at Harry as he spoke. “Whassit to you?” he hissed, feeling like he had a stake pressed between his eyes. “You don’t give a shit.”

He was hardly making any sense. Louis knew that. Harry didn’t respond for a long time. He did, however, set a cup of water in front of his face. Then, he stood up and left.

When Louis emerged from bathroom, Harry wasn’t anywhere in sight. Thankfully, either Stan showed himself out or Harry did. His body felt cold and used. He was exhausted, trembling and desperate for answers. From the moment Harry left him to go to the dance floor, Louis could hardly remember a thing.

He supposed that was what he got for not drinking hard liquor like that for almost an entire year.

He waited around for Harry all day, though it wasn’t like he had many plans otherwise. When dinner had passed, he wondered if Harry would ever come back. Feeling completely helpless, like he’d never see him again, he rung up Liam and Niall, begging them to help him out. They both sounded unsure yet agreed to be over as soon as possible.

Ten minutes after he hung up with Liam, he received a text. At first, Louis thought it was Stan and felt the urge to vomit again, but then he saw the peach emoji and knew it was Harry.

Staying at Nick’s. Feel better. – H

Louis felt his stomach flip. He didn’t understand what happened. It didn’t make sense. Liam and Niall found him curled in a ball, groaning in pure pain. Why was Harry being like this? It made no sense. The whole point of him going out last night was, more or less, along those lines.

“Are you ill?” Liam asked, bringing over a trash bin. Louis looked at him with vengeance and he quickly moved it away. “Sorry.”

Louis took a deep breath, unfolding from himself to sit on the couch and sip the tea Niall brought him. “Is it Harry?”

Louis grimaced, staring into his cup. This wasn’t like the tea Harry made. He decided it would be better. “How did you know?”

Niall scratched the back of his head. “Erm, cause he’s not here?”

Liam elbowed him brutally. “Or because I texted him.”

“Why the bloody hell would you do that?” Louis choked on his tea in disgust. “I hate him. Selfish bugger who can’t get over himself.”

“You don’t mean that,” Niall said, sitting nervously in front of him on the coffee table. Liam joined him, a pensive look on his face. Louis decided he’d speak to him, the more rational one.

He took a few seconds to gather his thoughts. Saying it out loud made it so much worse. “He took me out with him and his ‘friends.’ With Nick fucking Grimshaw…”

“Okay, no more Grimshaw interviews,” Liam noted dryly, something that Louis wished he would have said ages ago before Harry moved on to him. His laughable tone made Louis explode with anger.

“Are you two blind?” He jumped to his feet, running his hands through his hair in attempt to get some form of reality back. “You realize what he’s done, right? Harry’s moved on from us to Nick. He dropped us why? Because Nick has more famous friends? Because Nick can get him into more clubs? Fuck him. You don’t fucking do that. He has no loyalty and it makes sick!”

Liam and Niall took their time to think on that. Niall seemed hurt, but Niall would listen to anything and react even if he didn’t truly believe it yet. Liam, however, was more stubborn. “Lou, you don’t think this has anything to do with you fancying Harry? You don’t think you’re a little jealous?”

Louis threw his hands in the air. “I can handle jealous, Liam! I can’t handle him kicking me – us to the curb like we mean nothing!”

Liam sighed with disdain, rubbing at his forehead. “What do you mean, mate?”

Louis’ hands were shaking as he lowered himself back to the couch. He knew he sounded desperate – desperate for someone to listen and understand and help. He didn’t want to lose Harry, but it felt like he’d lost him so long ago. It felt like he hadn’t had Harry as his roommate in years.

So Louis told them what he remembered of last night and what he could infer. Liam’s eyes went wide when he told him about the morning after. “Lou, you can’t remember your first time? I’m so sorry, mate.”

Louis wouldn’t look at either of them. His eyes were too wet. That was also something he’d been trying to forget about. It wasn’t something he talked about with Liam and Niall. Liam would be understanding to his best abilities, but he never knew when to shut up. He couldn’t sense when Louis needed to stop talking. Niall was the exact opposite. He wouldn’t know what to say. Don’t get Louis wrong, he was a great empathizer, but when it came to the gay world, Niall got giggly and unsure of his advice, which, Louis supposed, was understandable. They weren’t it. They weren’t Harry.

“Yep.” Louis breathed, looking over their shoulders. “My arse sure remembers it though.”

Both boys cringed, sucking in a breath as if he’d just stuck something up their butts. It brought about a few minutes of laughter, something Louis had desperately needed.

“And Harry just left?” Niall asked finally, trying to piece things together. Louis nodded sadly. “That’s not right.”

“I know.”

“No,” Niall was deep in through. “No, I mean, that’s not like Haz. He’s always there for any of us, especially you. I don’t understand why he’d just bounce on you when he knew what happened.”

Louis bit his lip, feeling the tears prick his eyes again. He didn’t trust himself to speak, so he just shook his head. “Lou, you didn’t stop to think maybe he was a tad jealous? I mean, he never talks to us about that stuff, but there’s no way he wasn’t taken with you, not with all your nights spent together and such. I mean…come on.”

At this point, he couldn’t stop the tears from coming. None of them acknowledged them, the silent moisture dripping down his cheeks. “Then why would he replace me?”

The moment the words were out, he broke down, and Niall came to his side, wrapping his arms around him tightly, petting his hair like he was an animal, but the gesture overall helped. “Harry didn’t replace you, Lou,” Naill cooed, tightening his grip around him with every quiet whimper. “Harry’s just…”

“Moving on,” Liam offered. “I really think you should tell him. If he’s been into you this whole time, it would make sense for him to finally try to distance himself in an effort of moving on.”

Louis shook his head miserably in the silent pause before Liam continued with a shaky breath.

“That’s what Zayn did.”

Both their heads shot up, Louis forgetting himself and his emotions for the first time all day. “What?”

Liam’s hands wrestled with each other. He spoke while staring at his feet with red cheeks. “You and Zayn…what?”

Liam sighed heavily. “Yeah. We didn’t want to…come out or anything. Honestly, I wasn’t sure if I’m even gay or bi or whatever. Still not, actually.” Louis offered an understanding grim smile. “I just knew I was into Zayn. And he was into me.”

“What happened?” Niall asked because they were obviously not still together. Zayn was engaged. Louis elbowed him for the blunt question, but Liam only chuckled in such a sad way.

“What happened was I’m an idiot.” Liam sighed. “I didn’t – I didn’t think. When Zayn and I got together, I was still with Sophia. But in my mind, it didn’t feel like cheating on her. It didn’t feel like she and I even compared to Zayn and I. Zayn was so much…more.”

They waited patiently. Louis felt like he was beginning to understand that. Whatever he felt for Stan was a joke compared to the heart-wrenching love he felt for Harry. It was more than being on two different levels. It was in two different games completely.

“So after a month of being with Zayn and almost ignoring Sophia, she showed up. Remember? At the one concert in the states?” Liam sighed. “Zayn thought I’d just broken up with her without making a big deal about it. He went off, and I did break up with her, which resulted in a few objects thrown at me if you can remember.” They definitely did. It was hilarious at the time, though Louis does remember Zayn distinctly hardly even smiling, let alone laughing. “But I hurt Zayn. I put him second in his eyes, and even though he was completely, undeniably first priority to me, my actions do make it seem that way. So.”

Louis blinked, trying to imagine how he’d missed all that. Zayn and Liam had been close, but they never showed any signs of sexual interest. He felt quite like a proper idiot, fondling Harry so much while never making a move meanwhile two of his best mates were fooling around and hardly touched each other outside of the bedroom.

“Oh Liam,” Louis breathed, leaning forward and patting his knee.

“And then he left. Fuck. You okay, Li?” Niall asked, and again, Louis elbowed him. None of them liked bringing up Zayn’s disbandment, but clearly it would pain Liam the most.

Liam nodded in a tired way, as if he’d thought so long about how he could have acted the thoughts almost became boring, numbing. “I think…maybe that’s why he left. I’m so sorry, too, if that’s the case. He swore it wasn’t, but I’m sure if things had ended better between us things would be different.”

Niall shook his head. “You know that’s not why, Li. Of all of us, he was the one who was least interested in the band aspect of it all.”

A wall of ice hit Louis. “Oh god. Now that’s Harry,” he groaned, falling face first into his knees. “He’s so obsessed with the fame and – and-,”

“Lou, shut up, will ya?” Niall shook his shoulders. “Harry’s not going to leave us. He’s making new friends, but that’s okay.”

Liam shook his head, coming to sit on his other side. “Not when he leaves Louis out to dry. Look mate, I really think the best thing to do from here is to just talk to Harry. You two both are daft cows, right? But you two can at least have a row and get over it.”

Louis groaned, closing his eyes and fighting back the feeling of dread, the feeling that he’d irreparably messed up. “I can’t. I just want to punch him.”

“Or kiss him,” Niall added.

“Or kiss him,” Louis agreed.

Liam chuckled, clamping down on his shoulder. “You’re a mess, Lou.”

“But you’re our mess,” Niall said and dramatically kissed his cheek, making sure to lick half of his face afterward. It made Louis grin, finally feeling a little lighter. “I’m staying over. Li?”

Liam shook his head. “Sorry, lads. Got a date.”

“It’s ten at night. You’re getting laid!” Louis screeched with excitement, pointing his finger like the child he once was. Niall laughed manically beside him, as if it was his doing. Liam only shrugged, but when he opened the door, he winked.

“You think you’ll ever talk to him?” Niall asked a little later as he was browsing through which movie to watch. If there was one thing Louis had to give Niall it was his dedication to making his friends feel better. It was a fact Niall hated romantic comedies, but there he was, browsing through them with false excitement.

Louis huffed, falling back into the couch as he pulled the blanket around him tighter. “No…can’t risk running him off completely.”

Niall made a face of disbelief. “But-,”

“I know he was always the least interested, but I think Liam definitely gave him a good reason,” Louis admitted, rubbing his arms. He couldn’t think about driving Harry away completely like that. Losing one more member of the band would completely end One Direction. They couldn’t hold on, and it’d be because of Louis.

“What you’re doing isn’t honorable, mate. It’s stupid. And promotes self-pitying,” Niall pointed out, propping his legs on the coffee table like he hadn’t just completely insulted an already down friend. Louis supposed that was where Niall, for once, went right in life. He said what he felt. He was blunt with everyone. It stung a lot of the time, but it was a superficial sting. It never lead to a deeper problem, one that stabbed his heart, hard and deep.

“I know,” Louis huffed. “But the band means so much more to me. Harry and I…we’ll be fine. We have to be.”

Niall smiled whimsically. “You don’t have to be, actually. You could – you know, forget I said anything.” Louis lessened his glare. “So! Think you had a good first time? Er, first gay time?”

Louis cringed, throwing a pillow at Niall’s face. “Just stop, mate.”

As much as he missed Harry, Niall never failed to be hilarious. Still, there was no way Niall could replace him. Louis didn’t want a replacement. He just wanted Harry.

. . .

They fell asleep in the middle of Grease: Live, which Louis had to say was not as horrifying as he’d expected. There was nothing like the original, but he gave it props.

Louis only woke when the front door slammed shut. He and Niall jumped awake, Niall screaming, “Whatthefuck?”

When Louis was able to see clearly, his eyes landed on two people staring down at them. Harry and Nick, with a bag of Panera in their hands, seemed surprised to see Louis and Niall sprawled out on the couch. “Wow, Tommo, didn’t think you had it in you. Sleeping your way through all of our friends now? Should I grab some lube?”

Louis’ eyes briefly flickered to Harry. His frown was permanent, as if he hadn’t heard a word Nick had said. Part of Louis defended that that was plausible; Harry was known for spacing out. But the hardened part of Louis’ heart knew better. If Harry ever cared for him at all, he’d never continue hanging out with Nick.

Louis rolled over, facing pressing into a pillow. “Fuck off, doll-face.”

Nick’s snooty laughter was all that followed. The annoyingly nasally pitch of it grated on his nerves. Niall bumped against his body as he moved, probably to go to the fridge, but Louis stayed there, silently moaning into a pillow. A minute later as he began to get up and pull himself toward the showers, Louis noticed a pair of fancy leather shoes still standing in front of the door.

“Told Nick, did ya?” Louis asked in a tight voice, speaking too fast for the morning hours. Harry’s eyes turned further down in concern. Deciding he wasn’t worth his time, Louis got to his feet. “Wonderful, love. Really, really great.” As he passed by, Louis patted Harry on the back. Deciding to ignore his starving stomach, he headed straight for his room.

“Lou, I’m gonna go,” Niall said through a mouth full of bagels. That dick won Niall over by his weakest link: his stomach. “Come by whenever to finish the, er, movie.”

Louis paused. The temptation of leaving their place was overwhelming, but Louis realized he would never want to return. Ever. Grating his teeth, he leaned his head just barely into the kitchen, only enough to see Nick speaking heatedly with Harry, whose expression made it look like Nick was talking to a wall. That gave Louis a little satisfaction.

“I’m actually headed home for the girls’ birthdays. Princess party – can’t miss that,” Louis said, mentally pounding his head into the wall. He did not miss the way Nick snickered something to Harry, but he didn’t have the guts to look to see how Harry reacted. “I’ll probably stay there until we meet up again.”

Niall raised an eyebrow, very aware this was a split second decision. Louis felt exactly as shocked as Niall looked. While he enjoyed messing around and doing random nothings, bigger things like trips and large pranks needed to be planned. He was not an impulsive person, not in the least.

“Did I not tell you?”

Niall shook his head. “Sure, mate. Have a safe trip,” he cleared his throat, grimacing. Louis could feel the pity rolling off him now. This he accepted freely. He did this one to himself.

Hours later, Louis had his bags packed and at the door. Thankfully, Nick had left before Louis had to show his face again. He swore a little more time around him and Louis would be getting tossed in jail for assault.

“Yes, Mum,” Louis spoke into the phone quickly as he gathered the last of his things. Harry was sitting with his legs crossed on the island in the kitchen. Louis forced himself not to look at him as he made his way to the door. “I’m just waiting for them to send the car.”

“Good, love. We can’t wait to see you! Are you sure Harry can’t come as well? The girls really miss him.”

Instinctively, Louis casted a glance over his shoulder at Harry, observing him observing Louis. It was weird, the way Harry was just casually sitting on the counter with absolutely nothing to do. “Yes, Mum. I’m sure.”

“Well why not?” Lottie seemed to have stolen the phone, and the other girls chimed in as well. Even once his mother got the phone back, she asked the question. Louis hadn’t gotten around to explaining his impromptu visit yet, and there was no way he could explain it over the phone.

“I – um, he’s busy. That’s why. Gotta go, love you sweets, bye,” Louis said in a rush. The girls whined for him to stay on the line, some even asking to be connected the whole ride, but he ended the call before they could commit him to anything more.

Harry cleared his throat the moment Louis put the phone down. Gripping his phone in his hand so tight he was worried it might crack, Louis turned around. Mouth hanging open, it took some time for him to speak. “Sorry. About telling Nick.”

Louis pressed his lips together. It surprised him, mostly. He didn’t understand any of Harry’s reactions as of late, though, so he didn’t think hard about it. Even that act alone wasn’t the worst thing in the world. It was that every closet jab he’d now have to take from Nick hurt a thousand times more because it would always string from Harry. Harry gave him the power to hurt Louis where it actually mattered.

“Right,” he said, rocking back on his heels. That was a low blow, but it honestly hurt more that Harry thought that was the reason he was upset.

“You don’t have to go,” Harry said, climbing off the counter. Louis wished he wouldn’t. For the first time since meeting Harry, Louis just wanted to be as far away from him as possible. Every step closer pushed the knife deeper into his heart.

“Don’t I?” Louis raised an eyebrow, stepping closer to his bags. His phone hadn’t rung yet, but he didn’t care. He had to get out of there. He couldn’t stand another second under those piercing green eyes that turned his heart into a puddle of mush. “Honest, I miss my sisters.”

“Lou,” Harry protested.

“Bye, Harry.”

They didn’t speak for months.

. . .

The tour was miserable.

The interviews were a challenge to get through alone.

“Louis, which of the members have felt the extra wrath of the pranks this tour since you don’t have Zayn to pick on?” An interviewer named Frank asked. Louis almost missed the question completely. He distractedly turned toward the camera.

“What?”

Niall and Liam laughed. Across from them, Harry kept his steady, emotionless gaze forward. Frank repeated the question with extra enthusiasm.

“Oh. Erm, I dunno. Not really been into pranking as much this time around. We’ve been quite busy,” Louis admitted, struggling to keep his smile plastered on his face. It grew harder with each interview.

“I’m sure,” Frank continued, angling his body toward Harry, the epitome of disinterest. “So, Harry and Louis, you two worked together to write Perfect, right? How was that?”

Louis glanced at Harry momentarily, spending a few minutes reminiscing on their times writing music together. He remembered trying to convey his love in subtle lines, pleased with himself every time Harry said he could relate. He remembered feeling near tears when Harry sang the chorus in their living room for the first time. He remembered the pain mirrored in each of their eyes.

“It was great,” Louis said. “It’s one of my favorites.”

“Right, right,” Frank nodded, as if Louis said something profound. “And who do you relate the song to? Because we all have some interesting theories.”

Harry sucked in a slow breath as he crossed one leg over his knee. “Oh, I’d love to hear the theories.” Louis nodded, grateful for not having to avoid another question.

“Well,” Frank drew out the word, as if that could interest them more. Louis already knew what was coming. He was dreading it, but then again, it wasn’t like it could make things more awkward for them. “Most Larry Stylinson fans think you wrote it about each other. A secret love affair you can’t tell your mothers, no long term promises…”

Harry brought his hand to his face, feigning to be utterly perplexed by this theory. Louis scoffed, trying to hide his annoyance. Harry enjoyed fueling the Larry Stylinson fans. He found it amusing. Every time Louis thought they could be less cold toward each other, he had times like these to remind him what a joke Harry thought of the idea of them together. What a joke he thought of Louis’ feelings, however unbeknownst to him.

“You know, everyone interprets things differently,” Harry spoke in that slow tone. Louis wanted to hit himself for being drawn in by it again.

“Right…” Louis mused. “Except, we did say the word ‘girl’ sooo.”

Harry peered at him with that constant neutral expression he wore all the time now. There was a hint of amusement in those eyes, but Louis looked away. He was getting better at not tormenting himself these days.

“Interesting,” Frank pondered. “So, Louis, a few fans took pictures of you accompanying Harry to The Place. Was that a fun night?”

Louis felt his blood run cold. He shifted back in his seat, posing to be thinking on his answer. Meanwhile, he was panicking. He’d do anything to take back that night for so many reasons. What he wanted to say was something along the lines of Harry ditching him.

Instead, he bit his tongue in an attempt to taste blood before saying, “It was quite odd, actually. What type of club doesn’t allow phones? They really took hipster to a new level, huh?”

Harry chuckled politely, though Louis felt miffed by his comment. “I sort of like that. Nobody is locked onto their phones. And much more privacy.”

Louis shrugged purposely. “I don’t know about you, but I’ve never gone to a club to just stand around on my phone.”

“Really?” Frank interjected. “So why would you go to a primarily gay club?”

Louis bit his tongue so hard he did taste blood. His mouth opened, but there was absolutely no response planned. He was stupid. If he’d just let go of the fact that he’d lost his best friend, he wouldn’t be so riled by everything said friend said.

But without skipping a beat, Harry said, “I sort of dragged him out there. Sometimes I just miss my Lou.” He followed that up by continuing to stare at him with a dreamy expression Louis hadn’t seen in over a year. He had no choice but to stare back, though he hoped the awe in his expression wasn’t as obvious as it felt. Louis had always felt the smallest hint of pressure by Harry to come out despite his insistence that that wasn’t the case. It never made sense to Louis why Harry would care if he came out, but he felt the way he wished for him to. For the first time, he wondered if it had been in his head.

If he could say thank you with his eyes, he did.

“That’s right! How do you two like living alone?”

Louis and Harry had kept it secret that they were living together this last break, mainly to quell the Larry shippers. This coming break, however, Louis was sure they’d spent it in their own places.

“Quite lonely, to be honest,” Harry glanced at Louis again, and his cheeks began to burn. It’d been a while since he let himself fall prey to the effect of Harry Styles, but he supposed on camera was the best place to do so; if fans didn’t notice the lack of repertoire between Harry and Louis, he’d be shocked. However much management hated Larry Stylinson and their fans, he’d hate to sadden them.

Frank slowly let the conversation die out before announcing it was the end of the interview. He said he had one last question, and that was directed toward Niall’s new relationship. Louis pleasantly interjected that yes, he too was shocked it lasted more than a week.

As they were preparing to go back to the hotel, Louis found himself walking next to Harry. Biting his lip, he nudged the taller man. “Thanks for the save.”

Harry offered one of his new smiles. “Of course.”

Louis hated his new smile. It was stunning, of course, but it wasn’t Harry. There was no replacing the ear-to-ear smile on a young, angelic face like 16-year-old Harry Styles. The rounder face and dimples and good boy clothes all refused to let there be a hint of sadness expressed in Harry. It was so different now. Harry either wore bold statement clothes or punk outfits. Louis couldn’t say much considering all he wore consisted either of black, holes, metal, or a band image. Still, the change in Harry was undeniably sad to Louis. He remembered a time you just had to look at Harry and wink to get him giggling for a minute straight. Now, his cheek bones were prominent, his eyes seemed somber, and his laughs were so rare.

They sat together on the short limo ride to the concert. It wasn’t intentional, and both boys faced away from each other. At one moment, though, Harry’s phone was resting face up on his knee. Despite everyone else piling out of the limo, Louis instinctively looked at it as it began to vibrate.

Nick Grimshaw

Harry declined it without hesitation, giving out a heavy sigh afterwards. When he looked up, he immediately flushed with color; he hadn’t realized Louis had been watching him.

Louis found it odd he was ending Nick’s calls, but he refused to let himself dwell on it. They had a concert to do.

. . .

Liam and Niall were changing backstage. He and Harry were perched on one of the props, idly chatting with the crowd. He supposed it was easier to be the vibrant, sarcastic Louis everyone knew when he was on stage. Being so close to Harry was less constricting in front of thousands of people, which shouldn’t have been the case, but it was.

His phone buzzed from their manager, Paul.

Just because you’re near him, doesn’t make it look like you hate him any less. Fans are noticing – Paul

Louis scowled, turning to side stage and flipping him off. One moment he said to calm down the ‘flirting.’ Now, he was pushing them to be friendlier. Still, he understood. If the boys felt off, he was sure they looked off. The least he could do was appear normal on stage. His fans paid a lot of money expecting the cheeky Louis, not the one trying to keep his head above water.

“I have a bug to pick with you, Hazza,” Louis said, pulling Harry away from the box of cookies he was trying to get warmed up. A stage manager ran over and took them from him as he looked up at Louis.

“What’s that, Lou?” Harry looked up at him curiously, obviously not expecting him to interject.

“Why is it you insist on eating everything heated?” Louis plastered a smile on his face, settling for looking out at the crowd. “He will heat up everything except ice cream!”

Harry held up a finger, pausing before saying, “Actually, I do like my ice cream a little mushy.”

“Mushy?” Louis asked incredulously. Harry wasn’t looking at the crowd; Louis could feel his eyes boring into him. It was what made him finally look at Harry, too. He fought off the urge to scowl and found it was all too easy to beam down at him.

“Yeah,” Harry said as if it were obvious. “Not room temperature exactly, but it needs to be drippy.”

“Drippy,” Louis repeated while laughing because the honest, open expression Harry wore while trying his hardest to describe such a state was absolutely adorable. His body moved instinctually, sliding down to rest just above Harry as he wrapped an arm around his arm around Harry’s chest from behind. “You do talk some shit on stage, Haz.”

Harry was laughing, Louis realized. He was laughing honestly and openly. It wasn’t the giggles from his younger years, but the smile did reach his eyes.

“Honest! If it’s too cold it hurts my teeth!”

Louis was laughing too. He continued teasing Harry until Niall and Liam came back on stage, ready for a new song. It was, of course, Perfect, which was definitely written about Harry on Louis’ part.

It was painful to sing, as always, but this time around, it was a good pain. It was a sweet pain that had the hint of addiction behind its notes. Louis couldn’t stop looking at Harry when he sang, and he found, with a sad hope, that Harry looked back.

It wasn’t the most fun concert he’d had, but it was definitely recognizable.

. . .

It happened the next day. They were sitting around the living room, each doing something on their own while all nursing hangovers. Harry came to sit beside Louis at the table. “Good concert, huh?”

Louis looked up from his notebook. “Sure.”

Harry opened and shut his mouth three times before seeming to give up. Louis tried to ignore his presence, though it wasn’t the worst distraction. Besides, the song he was writing was about him anyways. After erasing a line and rewriting it, Harry peered curiously over his shoulder. Louis looked up, raising an eyebrow. “Nosy much?”

Harry laughed nervously, pushing his long locks back over his head again. God, if he had been distracting before he let his hair grow, now it was incomparable. “Sorry. What are you writing?”

Louis shrugged. “A song.”

“Those lyrics…seem a little dark for us,” Harry said. Louis nodded.

“Yeah. It’s not for us. It’s for me,” he explained, hurriedly erasing the line where he compared him to an angelic devil. He thought that might be too obvious. Harry hummed in response. It wasn’t unusual for either of them to work on their own work, but lately, Louis couldn’t stop writing for himself. It interested him more. It helped to release the pain easier. He couldn’t exactly write a song about Harry for Harry and he to sing.

“’And I just want to go back, back to the old days, back to the rain, back without pain…’ Wow. This is really good, Lou.” Harry murmured. Louis tried to ignore the fact that Harry felt he was free to just read it without asking. They used to write loads of songs together, neither hiding a word from the other. He wished things hadn’t changed, but they definitely had, and Louis felt with ire that Harry no longer was close enough to read his lyrics. Though, Harry didn’t have a clue what was going on in his life, so he supposed it didn’t open him up as per usual.

“Thanks,” Louis muttered. He glanced up to find Harry’s eyes running over the notebook again. Every inch of him wanted to close it, but something stopped him.

“You really want to go back? Before the band?” Harry questioned quietly, hurt evident in his voice. Louis felt the urge to comfort him and reassure him he was happy here. No matter how much Harry changed, he’d probably always make Louis want to comfort him.

“No,” Louis sighed, sitting back and crossing his arms over his chest. “Don’t you ever feel like we’ve changed?”

Louis didn’t know what ‘we’ meant in this case. Either applied. “I – I didn’t think so.”

Louis scoffed, propping his feet up on the table. “Well, we have…you have.” If he said that with too much malice, it was Harry’s fault. Spending all tour with a heavy mixture of love and hatred was exhausting, and it was much easier to let the hatred side take over at times.

“So have you,” Harry said defensively. Louis smiled severely, but he felt no humor. That much was obvious. That much was undeniable.

“I know,” Louis admitted. “I just wish we could go back sometimes. When things were easier and lighter. No sweat.”

Harry pursed his lips, contemplating the words. He, too, crossed his arms. “You were happier when you’d still go out and socialize.”

Louis rolled his eyes, speaking before he could think. “I was happier when we were okay.”

Louis couldn’t recognize the emotion that had been flitting across Harry’s face every now and then, something sad with a repressed glimmer of hope. It was always fleeting, but it was there. And then it all dropped away, not going back. Louis had stepped off the cliff and dragged Harry with him. It was higher than he’d meant.

“So that’s it then? You’re not happy here,” Harry said coldly. “In case you hadn’t noticed, none of us are. We all have other places to be, but we’re here.”

“I never said I didn’t want to be here,” Louis hissed, eyes narrowing with suspicion. “But you did.”

Harry huffed, pushing his hair back over his head again. “No-,”

“Yes,” Louis scoffed. “You haven’t wanted to be here since last tour. You want to go eat vegan food in LA with Nick and your new ‘connections.’”

The words wouldn’t stop spilling out of his mouth.

“You can stop acting so suffocated here, Harry. At least give respect to us. For fuck’s sake, we’d all be nothing without each other. You-,”

“Just because we started out together doesn’t mean we can’t grow apart!” Harry suddenly shouted, silencing the room instantly. Louis felt the air rush out of his lungs, and no matter how hard he tried to suck it back in, there was no taking it back.

“What?” Niall asked in a quiet voice. “What did you say?”

Harry looked to them, their game paused and eyes trained on the pair at the table. Liam got up, concern leaking from his grimace. “Nothing,” Harry said, eyes darting to the table. Nobody spoke; nobody had anything to say, and he supposed that moved Harry to keep speaking. “Nothing! I just…I don’t know if we’re all at the same place. We’re a boy band and Louis is writing rock. I’m writing alternative. It’s just different.”

Louis wanted to hate him. He did hate him. He hated him and his words that were too accurate. Liam took a seat across from Harry, eyes bouncing between the two. Louis shook his head, trying to convey this wasn’t about the two of them. This had nothing to do with them, he swore.

“Might be time for a break,” Liam sighed, looking apologetically to Niall as he plopped down in a seat so hard he almost knocked it over. “Harry’s right. It hasn’t felt like us in a while.”

“Just because Zayn’s not here…” Niall protested, looking at them with pleading eyes. “We knew it’d be different, boys. Doesn’t mean we have to stop!”

And when Louis looked around, he realized they were past due time for this talk. They needed this before they went on tour. They needed this before Harry started abandoning them.

Liam reached over and patted Niall’s hand, clutching it as he spoke. “Nialler, it’s time.”

“How?”

Liam glanced around them briefly, shame in his eyes. “Look at it this way. Would we be hanging out if we weren’t on tour?” Harry straightened. Good. Louis needed him to know this was on him. Niall and Louis hung outside of the band. Liam kept more to himself and the friends he and Zayn shared, but he was always down to hang out with them. It was Harry who went all break without hanging out with Liam or Niall. He wouldn’t have even spoken to Louis if they hadn’t lived together. “We started this as best mates. I don’t want to end it hating each other.”

Louis wanted to add that they already did. At least, Harry hated him, and Louis found that the line between love and hatred was quite fine. It was confusing. Maybe you could do both, hate and love someone simultaneously. He was sure of it, suddenly. Looking at Harry with so much hatred due to the humiliation of loving someone who cared so little for you caused his heart to still completely. He wanted to kiss him so hard it hurt. He wanted to rip his heart out and run away with it, protecting it and cherishing it while dangling it above his head.

“I didn’t mean to start something,” Harry stuttered.

Liam nodded gravely. “We’ve had this coming for a while. I mean, we’re halfway through the tour and have come up with one song. It’s time.”

Niall’s head focused on his hands. It was rare for him to ever be so serious. There was hardly ever a time he wasn’t blabbering on about this or that. Harry wouldn’t stop fixing his hair. And Liam just stared at Louis, as if weeding out a response. The problem was he didn’t have one. He knew it was what he’d been hinting at during the row with Harry, but hearing it solidly from someone else pulled at his heart. It hurt, knowing this time was over. Their good times had been over long ago, but this was definite. This meant there was no chance of having their times as the carefree, boyish, cute band everyone adored.

More importantly, this meant there was no more Harry.

“Lou?” Liam asked, and he realized he hadn’t been paying attention to what was being said. “What do you think?”

“What do I think about what?” Louis spat, glaring at his feet propped on the table like it was their fault.

“Going on hiatus,” Harry offered, his deep voice more shocking than anyone’s. Louis raised a skeptical eyebrow. “I just feel that there will be a time for us again. But I don’t think it’s now.” Louis clenched his jaw. He wanted to disagree. He wanted to be on his own, but he didn’t want to do it alone. He did know what he wanted, and it hurt. “So we can enjoy this tour. So we don’t feel…suffocated.”

Louis had been right. He’d been right, and he never hated being right more than now. He bit his lip, staring at the door, face turned as far from the rest of them as possible. Hot tears streamed down his face, painfully so. He knew they all had to notice, but no one said a thing. They couldn’t. They knew it was their fault. “Fine. Sure. Whatever.”

“Lou,” Harry began, hand coming to rest on his arm, but Louis jerked away from the warmth. He didn’t want comforted, not from the man who was causing his pain. He was causing his pain from both sides now. The one thing he still had to clutch to was being disbanded before his eyes.

“I said fine,” Louis hissed, voice cracking with emotion. “It’s settled. We done here?” He didn’t wait for a response before shoving back from his chair and getting to his feet. He grabbed his leather jacket and swung it over his shoulder. “Going out.”

The door seemed to slam behind him as he left. They tried to assign him body guards, but he waved them off, telling them he was just going for a smoke behind the hotel. Originally, he planned on getting wasted at a bar, but thinking about going out into a happy environment like that made him want to kick a wall.

He felt stupid, suddenly. As much as he wanted to call Harry stupid, he was right about one thing. Louis had hated this tour so far. The interviews were annoying. The concerts were repetitive. Going out felt like a task. Even just drinking with the boys was awkward. Either Harry and Liam were in his element while Louis felt like a stick in the mud or Niall and Louis were having fun while Harry sat in the corner on his phone, bored as nails.

“Louis.”

He sucked in a breath, puffing out a cloud of smoke as he lowered the cigarette. Harry was facing his back, but soon he was in front of Louis. He was so close. It was freezing outside, and they could see their breath in the air. Harry’s breath reached right before his eyes every time.

“Louis,” Harry repeated. Louis closed his eyes, trying to will away the tears. Harry grabbed his hand, and Louis had to hold back a sob. The cigarette dropped to the ground, forgotten and useless. He yanked away, but Harry only gripped him tighter. “This isn’t a bad thing.”

“Of course it is, Harry!” Louis shouted, horrified at his voice, so high and shaky. His eyesight was blurred with tears. “I’m not like you. I don’t have a ton of famous friends. You guys were it for me. You guys were my mates, and now we’re done.”

Harry stepped impossibly closer, forcing Louis to be pressed against his chest. “We’re not done. You can’t get rid of us, Lou.”

“What the fuck are you talking about, Harry?” Louis sobbed, falling back against the wall as he pulled away from Harry. “You were the first to leave.”

Harry frowned. The beautiful moonlight truly made him look like an angel of death. He felt like an angel of death, floating in, presenting beauty, all to bring about pain, so much pain. “What do you mean? I didn’t leave.”

“Yes, you did,” Louis said, voice going hoarse. He wiped at his eyes furiously until Harry’s ample fingers replaced his own. If Louis hadn’t been so distraught and wrung out, he would have swatted them away. “You left me a long time ago. For Nick.”

Harry almost moved away, almost. Louis wished he had. He couldn’t think with him around. He still smelled the same, bringing about an onslaught of memories. Cuddling, sleeping, love bites, sharing food, tickling, wrestling. The stake dug deeper.

“I didn’t leave you for Nick,” Harry said slowly, as if he had to form thoughts in his head that he normally tried to avoid. Louis began to protest. “I – I left because I couldn’t stand to be around you anymore.”

“Oh god,” Louis groaned, shoving against him. He felt another wave of fresh tears well in his eyes. If he didn’t want to be around him, neither did Louis. His touch was quickly turning into poison, and he wanted free of it.

“Louis, stop that,” Harry sighed, like he had wasted his energy long ago and didn’t have any reserves to fight against him. “I couldn’t be around you because it hurt too much.”

Louis rolled his eyes blearily. “You don’t know pain.” He hadn’t meant to say that aloud and hurried to cover it. “I did nothing to hurt you.”

Harry laughed humorlessly, head falling back. Louis only then realized that he was pinned against the wall, Harry placed between his legs. His elbows dug into Louis’ shoulders, and then his hands grasped his head. It was forceful, more so than any touch Harry had ever offered. Louis hated himself for liking it.

“You did everything to hurt me, Louis,” Harry said sadly, slowly.

“I did not!” Louis hissed, hands gripping Harry’s shirt as he struggled to keep distance between them. It wasn’t working. He was so close that if he just stood on his toes, he could kiss him. “You hurt me. You abandoned me. You left me for your famous friends. You didn’t say a word to Nick when he insulted me, and normally I can fend for myself, but you know what he said struck home. You never hang out with us anymore. You stopped talking to me. You left, and it tore me apart, and – and now I can’t breathe when you’re around-”

“You can’t breathe?” Harry’s eyes bounced between his. He hadn’t heard his voice go so low before. “I can’t breathe! I haven’t been able to breathe since I met you, Louis. I loved you so goddamn much, and you just – ignored it. I came out to you and you did nothing. So yes, I spaced out. I had to move on. I couldn’t be the pathetic kid pining after you forever.”

Louis really couldn’t breathe now.

“Y-you never told me,” Louis whispered after a pause. Harry was moved back, once again unsure of himself. “You never told me.”

Harry scoffed tiredly. “Not word for word. And then when I thought – I thought maybe, just maybe, you felt the same, even just a little bit, you had sex with Stan! You - do you have any idea how much you hate yourself after personally playing a hand in getting the guy you loved laid?”

Suddenly, it was so clear. Suddenly, Louis could feel his pain. He could look back at his distancing and pitying looks and disinterest and feel exactly, completely the same. Every time Harry disappeared with Nick, he was trying to escape the pain of being by him and not having him, exactly the same as Louis right now.

When he looked into his eyes, the pain inside it made Louis feel like he was on fire. His body burned with a familiar need, one he refused to deny any longer. His eyes caught on Harry’s lips. Those lips were so plump and pink and he was biting one slightly, nervously. Louis found himself inching up on his toes. Their hearts were pounding rapidly against each other. Harry’s breath smelled like vanilla.

When Louis looked into those sea-green eyes, he couldn’t stop himself. He pulled against Harry’s shirt, forcing him closer. Louis could feel the heat radiating from Harry’s lips.

Then, he kissed Harry.

His lips melded with Harry’s soft, moist lips that tasted like vanilla. Electricity shot through his body, stronger than anything he’d ever felt before. His hands acted on their own, tangling in Harry’s hair, pulling him closer. It took Harry a second to register what happened, but the moment he realized, he was kissing him back with just as much passion. With more. Their lips followed each other, dancing a dance that forced their bodies to escape the world they knew. His hips pressed intensely against Louis’, making the older man have to suppress a groan. Harry’s hands dropped to Louis’ waist, gripping him so tightly bruises would form soon. The longer they kissed, the tighter he held him.

Louis’ tongue darted out, running daringly along Harry’s lip. It produced a smile from Harry, a smile so pure and warm Louis knew without having to see that it reached his eyes. It was the smile he fell in love with, now pressing against his lips. His heart felt like it would explode, and then when he went to lick along his lip again, Harry’s tongue met his. Louis couldn’t hold back the hushed, quieted whimper, and Harry heard. His hand moved, wrapping around his body until it was gripping his bum. Harry groaned into his mouth, kissing him harder, bruising his lips. Louis jumped slightly, wrapping his legs around Harry’s waist before kissing along Harry’s impeccable jaw line. As his lips made contact with Harry’s throat, Harry jerked away, breathless and wide eyes.

“Are you just doing this because-?”

“I’m so in love with you, Haz,” Louis breathed, hands tugging on his soft curls. “But if you don’t shut up and kiss me, I will bite you.”

Harry’s face split into a wide grin, relief and adoration now clear in his eyes. When he bit his lip ruefully, Louis darted forward and took over, wanting to memorize the feel of his lips for the rest of his life.

“There’s a small problem in your plans,” Harry panted as Louis began kissing down his neck. At the first sign of interrupting words, Louis nipped at his skin, sending Harry’s hips bucking upward instinctively. Louis grinned, sucking in that spot, letting his teeth and lips mark him for his and his only. “I don’t think we’re being very inconspicuous.”

“Using big words…wow, Haz. Trying to seduce me with your superior intelligence?” Louis pulled away, smiling mischievously. He winked, and he could feel Harry tighten his fingers. “Because it’s working.”

“Well, we might be able to pay off snogging back here to the paparazzi, but I don’t think any amount of our money will pay off actual images of Larry Stylinson shagging behind a hotel.”

Louis threw his head back, laughing so hard it hurt. For the first time in a year, mentions of Larry didn’t hurt. It made him excited. It made him fall so much further in love.

“I don’t give a fuck. Let them,” he smirked, bringing his lips back to Harry’s neck, biting above his collar bone. Harry groaned into his body again, slamming his head back against the brick harsher than what should have been considered normal.

“Really?” Harry broke apart again, searching his eyes. Louis groaned, wanting so badly to get his lips on his skin again. One love bite was turning purple, but Louis wanted more. He wanted so much more that the fans in the fifteenth row could see them. However, Harry clearly had questions, which Louis understood. “You’d come out?”

Louis leaned back, running his hands through Harry’s curls idly as he stared at the beautiful angel in front of him. “Yes. I want to. I’ve never wanted to before – never had reason to.”

Harry’s smile was the one he’d been craving. “Do it tomorrow. At the concert. I wanted to do that, but…I was scared.”

Louis found that there wasn’t much fear in him anymore. He knew what comments were bound to come, but those comments fell miles below the level he was flying on right now. “I’m not scared anymore.”

Harry grinned. “Well then,” his thumb rubbed a semicircle on his bum. “Let’s go back to our room.”

Louis beamed, leaning forward to press another heart-stopping kiss to his lips, his soft, succulent lips. They hurried up to their room, and the security guards were nice enough not to comment on the way Louis kept eye fucking Harry’s body or the way they stopped every couple minutes to make out, just as they did to make out against the back of their door.

When the door opened, Harry fell back and Louis came tumbling down after. When they looked up, Niall and Liam were standing there with shit eating grins on their faces. “Not a word,” Louis threatened, sitting up on Harry’s lap. Both boys burst into laughter, completely disregarding his warning.

Harry didn’t seem to mind as his hands fell into place over his bum. “We’re glad to see you two got the sticks out of your arses,” Liam said with a rueful grin.

“And we’re glad to see you’re going out,” Louis replied.

Niall started laughing way too hard. “Why? Want something else in your arse, Lou?”

“I will murder you, Horan,” Louis hissed.

“If we say yes, will you leave?” Harry asked slowly, eyes stuck to Louis’ face. “Of course, you’re welcome to listen in.”

“Bloody hell,” Liam grimaced. “Let’s go, Niall. We’ll see you two in the morning.”

Harry was a giggling mess as they stepped carefully around them. On either side of them, their body guards were also laughing. “Piss off!” Louis shouted energetically as he scrambled to his feet, yanking Harry into the room and slamming the door. When he turned around, Harry was nowhere to be found. Instead, a trail of clothes had been dropped on the floor.

Louis grinned.

“Oh, Harry, you little minx,” Louis cackled, eyes growing wide as he came across the last pair of clothing: grey briefs. “Fuck,” he gulped, eyes shooting upward to see Harry bending over, rummaging through the drawer. His eyes locked onto the full ass, displayed clearly for his eyes. His mind went wild, imagining too many scenarios. “Haz…there’s something you should know.”

Harry laughed coolly, as if this wasn’t the biggest thing they were ever going to do in their lives. “I know this doesn’t change anything with the band. I wasn’t lying when I said this would be good for us. Working on our own.”

Louis shook his head, only then realizing that the hiatus seemed less daunting knowing he’d still have Harry, at least in some format. It still was crushing. It was an end of what may be the greatest era of his life. But he had a feeling that tonight started something much more worthwhile.

At least, he hoped.

“No,” Louis huffed, finding his way to wrap his arms around Harry, even though he probably shouldn’t have. “I know it’s not something I should be bringing up right now, but, um, you remember Stan right?”

Harry’s entire body felt like stone, suddenly. He straightened up, turning around with a sad, pouting expression. “You’re right. You really shouldn’t be bringing this up.”

Louis flushed, tightening his grip as Harry began to pull away. “I’m sorry. It’s just – um, I really don’t know what I’m doing. Like, I do. I’ve watched porn, but I have absolutely no memory of the, er, time with Stan. So…I have no idea what I’m doing.”

Harry bit his lip, considering him. Louis couldn’t read the expression in those painfully beautiful eyes. It seemed like hours before he spoke, and when he did it was strained with soft regret. “God, Lou, no wonder you hated me. I – I should have been there for you.”

Louis shook his head. “It’s alrigh’, love. I’m a big boy.”

Harry’s lip twitched, just slightly. A fond expression slipped into his features, one Louis much more preferred than the concern bordering on pity look that had been there for the shortest amount of time. His eyes were undressing him, it seemed. “So…you’re telling me that I was your first kiss with a guy.”

Louis rolled his eyes, knocking his hip against Harry’s. The dirty glint in Harry’s eyes made his body relax more. “Yes, Haz. Stop smirking like that! Get off your bloody high horse.”

Harry chuckled in that low, breathy way that sent energy shooting down to Louis’ toes. He continued laughing until he’d fallen over Louis on the bed. Their lips connected in an easy way, something too simple that should have happened years ago. “Right then. Care if I think of it like me taking your arse virginity then?”

Louis scowled. “I’ve had other things up my arse than-,”

“Not another cock,” Harry said flippantly, that breezy grin gracing his lips. God, those lips were so full, so delectable. Harry’s hand snaked around to Louis’ jeans, unzipping it agonizingly slow against his semi.

“You really find my inexperience hot?” Louis hissed as Harry began palming him through his underwear with just enough pressure to leave him wanting more. “Because I’m finding your experienced hands much hotter.”

Harry raised an eyebrow dubiously. “I find it very hot, Lou. You know why?”

“Hmm?” He purred, mouth open in a silent moan as Harry’s mouth worked its magic against his throat. Louis’ hands frantically ran over Harry’s lean muscles, scratching his abs and grabbing his biceps like his life depended on it.

“Because I can finally give you orders for once,” Harry grunted, and within a second, he grabbed Louis’ hands and pinned them overtop his head. The look of focus and lust on his face combined with the feeling of being under his complete control forced a loud groan from Louis, eyes lighting up with fire.

“Oh fuck me,” he breathed, growing a grin as their lips connected. Harry’s free hand seemed to be everywhere at once.

“Oh, babe, I plan to. Hard.” Harry breathed as his grabbed Louis’ shirt with yanked it over his head. Next came his pants, along with grumbled complaints of, “These tight pants…I’m going to burn them all. Teased me for years…”

“Aw, but my bum looks great in them,” Louis pointed, hands helping to free him from the restraints of his jeans.

“Your bum looks amazing in them,” Harry agreed, eyes running down his newly naked body. “Oh god.”

“What?”

“You’re so fit,” Harry groaned, head falling against his lower thigh, one of his hands gripping his hip tighter. His forearm was brushing over his hard, pulsing cock, and Louis couldn’t help himself from shifting slightly, trying to create any sense of friction.

Harry noticed.

With eyes meant for a predator locking onto his prey, Harry stared at him in question. Louis flushed, muttering, “Please, Haz. I need – I need something now.”

Green eyes reaching into his soul, stroking it tantalizingly, Harry refused to break eye contact as his hand reached under Louis’ briefs, grabbing him with purpose. Louis let out a whimper, body tensing at the wondrous feeling he didn’t have to do anything to produce. Harry Styles was grabbing him, nothing between their skin. Harry Styles was giving him a hand job.

Without warning, he pulled his hand away and tore off the last article of clothing. Louis didn’t know what he was expecting. Maybe for him to start prepping him, or maybe for him to ask Louis to do something, but he never expected Harry’s mouth to replace his hand.

“Fuck, Harry,” Louis groaned, hands instantly finding his silky hair, tangling in them, but then Harry’s mouth popped off.

“Did I say you could touch me?” Harry questioned dangerously, and Louis worried he might come then and there. Louis shuddered as he shook his head, biting his lip to try and keep his moan back. “Good. Play with your nipples. I want you to taste your cum before I fuck you.”

Hot lips wrapped around his head then, and Louis wanted to cry it felt so good. Harry licked down his shaft and up again, not afraid to brush against his balls, but he was going slow. He was going at a building pace, something nobody had ever done with him before. It was something only Harry would know how to do, he supposed. He knew what would feel good.

Louis did as he said, but one of Harry’s hand quickly shoved his aside and took over, expertly teasing and flicking in time with bobbing his gorgeous head over his cock. Louis felt his body winding up tighter, felt the heat all in his crotch. His head was swimming.

“H-Harry,” Louis warned, voice octaves higher than normal, but Harry seemed to like that as he took his entire length in, humming and sucking and licking. His fingers pinched his nipple hard, causing Louis to whimper as he came into Harry’s mouth, a dream finally reached that was so much better in person. Harry swallowed and continued bobbing his head up and down for a few seconds after, making sure to get everything. “You’re an angel. A proper angel. Shit.”

Harry licked his lips, moving back up to hover over Louis. “That was just the beginning, babe.” Louis whimpered again, nails digging into Harry’s forearm. “Love that sound.”

“I love you,” Louis breathed. “Though, I think I’ll love you more when you fuck me.”

Harry threw his head back in laughter, the epitome of ease. Then, his entire face dropped. His eyes narrowed, grazing with scrutiny over Louis’ body, and he licked his lips. “So, so eager,” Harry hummed smugly as he shoved Louis back to the bed every time he tried to get up. Harry rolled over and rummaged through his suitcase to find the lube and condoms, and just the sight of it made Louis grin.

“How do you want me?” Louis blinked innocently, biting his lip as Harry got on his knees overtop Louis. Harry groaned, running his hand through his hair as he surveyed Louis.

“If you want this to last, Lou, you’ve got to hold back your filthy mouth,” Harry warned, falling over top his body with a satisfied smirk. Louis only winked, pulling on Harry’s hair to slam their lips together with a newfound heat. Louis wrapped his legs around Harry’s waist while his tongue memorized every inch of Harry’s plush lips.

Eager to see what Harry looked like in pleasure, Louis’ hand reached between them and found his dick, hard and slightly slick with precum. Harry’s mouth faltered at the touch, clearly not expecting for that to happen. Smiling into the next kiss, Louis focused on moving his hand in a teasing way he knew he would like. It wasn’t as hard as he once feared considering it was just what he would do. Harry seemed to be loving it, and so was Louis. The groans sealed into his lips were enough to have him bucking his hips up, desperate for more.

“Harry,” Louis whimpered, just imagining what he’d feel like inside him.

“Hmm?” Harry hummed, eyes unfocused as he looked between them. Louis flushed before smirking proudly. He did that. He made Harry’s head swim. As he rubbed his thumb over the tip, Harry bucked his hips instinctually against Louis’, forcing both boys to shudder.

“Need you,” Louis whispered, hand running through his hair. “Now.” He tugged hard as he said it, so Harry was quick to fumble his way to grab the lube. He was taking far too long for Louis’ liking. He had to give up on wanking Harry because his body found it more pleasurable to buck his hips up against his, the feeling of their hard cocks rutting against each other something so unique it was fueling the fire like crazy. “I swear to fuck, Haz, if you don’t fuck my fucking brain out in the nex-ughn…”

Louis’ commands were cut short as Harry finally, finally shoved his lubed finger into his hole. Eyes fluttering shut, it was all Louis could do not to draw blood from the way he was digging his nails into Harry’s biceps. Without warning, Harry stuck a second finger in him, making Louis’ jaw drop. His fingers soon went to work, curling inside to brush against the sweetest spot imaginable. His body tensed, threatening to send him over the edge in a way more unique than he’d felt before.

“Harry!” Louis shouted, forcing his eyes open. Harry’s eyes were so dark for such normally green eyes, it made his stomach clench, which also made something else clench. Harry’s lips lifted on one side in a smirk as his fingers fought against his tensing bum until he’d stretched him out. “Fuck me. Fuck me, fuck me now. God, I want your cock, Haz. I need it.”

Harry grinned, leaning down to practically suck off his lips as he retracted his fingers, resulting in a sad whine of protest from Louis. Then, Harry’s knees kicked Louis’ legs wider open as he settled himself closer to his hole. “Put the rubber on, love,” Harry said in a voice deeper than he’d ever heard before. It alone forced his body to relaxed even more. With shaking hands, Louis ripped the foil open and rolled the condom onto his thick cock. “You do love to talk dirty, huh?”

“Well, you do love to talk some shit, as well, though I think that’s a different kind of dirt,” Louis wound his hands up in his hair again. Harry paused by his hole, tip just barely poking inside. He was waiting, something Louis loathed and loved.

“I love you,” Harry reminded him with kind eyes. Louis found a smile pulling on his heart.

“I love you, too,” he breathed. “Please, love.”

Harry captured his lips suddenly, just as he moved inside him. Both the kiss and his cock worked him up slow, building in passion and speed. Louis felt his insides twisting, all focusing on the amazing fullness of his bum. One of Harry’s hand reached down and gripped his bum, squeezing roughly and pushing himself in as far as it could go.

“Oh my god,” Louis breathed, eyes wide in awe. His body was swimming, cast off in a sea of pure pleasure.

“No pain?” Harry asked lightly, though his question had already been answered. All Louis could do was nod desperately, anything to get Harry moving inside him quicker. When he did, it was bliss.

Harry gradually picked up speed, eyebrows pinched and focused and biting that infamous lip. Louis tightened his hold on Harry’s hips and reached himself up to kiss Harry, which only spurred him to move faster.

When Louis fell back to the bed, Harry was shifted upward slightly, and that changed everything. In the next thrust, he rammed against his prostate, and Louis saw white.

“Holy fuck,” Louis screamed, fingers yanking so hard on Harry’s hair he groaned. “Again. Again, god babe, again.”

With a smug smirk, Harry did just that, moving in him faster and faster. He propped one of Louis’ legs over his shoulder, causing Louis’ entire body to tense up uncontrollably. His orgasm came so suddenly, all he could do was shout, “Fuck, Harry!”

It was unlike anything he’d ever felt before. His eyes had been thrown back into his head so hard he had trouble seeing anything. And even so, he was blessed with a definitely better sight when he regained vision. As Louis bit down on Harry’s neck, Harry tore away, mouth falling open as the deepest, loudest scream of Louis’ name spilled from his lips. He thrust so far inside him Louis wondered if he’d ever be able to come out, and then Harry collapsed against him.

It was like they were in pain.

Breathing heavy against each other, messy cum all over their chests, the two took at least a minute before opening their eyes and lifting their heads to look at each other.

“I think I blacked out,” Louis said with wide eyes. It made Harry’s face break into a grin, head falling against Louis’ shoulder to lightly nip at it.

“Can’t tell you how hot that was,” Harry’s lips teased his skin. When he looked up, his eyes were so amazed, and Louis wondered how. Harry had done most of the work, after all. “I think I’m bleeding in a few places…did you know how much pain gets me off?”

Louis flushed, grinning and remembering that detail. “I do now.”

“Fuck.”

They separated, but only slightly, Harry deciding to lay his head on Louis’ chest, hearing his pounding heartbeat. After a minute of their thoughts running rampant, Harry hummed, “It was worth the wait.”

Louis scoffed. “Should have happened a long time ago…but sure.”

“Just wait until you fuck me,” Harry said in a sing-song voice. “You’ll hate us for being right prats.”

Louis rolled his eyes, hands running gently through Harry’s curls. “I want to blow you.”

“Blow me on stage tomorrow. Now that would be a grand coming out,” Harry’s head shot up, smile expressing how he was far too pleased with himself for creating that horrid pun. Louis huffed and smacked him upside the head.

“You’re a knob,” he said with far too big of a grin for such an insult.

And it was in that moment that Louis realized something.

Maybe things would be different. Change had to happen eventually. It happened to everyone. But small moments of their past would still sneak through, and the rarity of those moments made them even more special judging by the way Louis felt his heart was about to explode.

Things were different, but they were still similar, and maybe they could make different out to be better.

. . .

“Hello, everybody! Having a good time tonight?” Harry asked between sets. The boys were all sitting around a stage structure drinking water. Harry lazily strolled in front of the stage, glancing over his shoulder at Louis, making his heart pound in his chest. Cheers erupted from the crowd, something that now made Louis’ heart pound almost as painfully. He may not get to experience this crowd too many more times.

They were right. Savoring the end of the tour made him realize how much he’d taken it for granted after years of performing with them. Soon it would all come to an end, so he had to love it while he had it.

Louis wanted to gag at his thoughts. Ever since last night, he’d grown sappier. During their meeting this morning (and evening) he’d almost teared up as management figured out forms and agreements for their sudden hiatus.

“Well, that’s good because we have some news for you.” Anticipation was a plausible feeling in the air. “Now, it’s not all good. In fact, there may be some tears, but don’t be embarrassed. Louis here has already shed some, as well.” The crowd gasped, all leaning impossibly closer, as if that would help them foresee the possibly terrible news coming forward.

“Thank you, Harry,” Louis snorted into the microphone before coming to sit next to him, much closer than he used to sit. Niall took a seat beside him, and Liam beside Harry. “Alright, boys, good or bad news first?”

Liam pretended to think about it for a second. “Hmm, let’s go with bad.”

“Right,” Niall agreed. “I think mixing tears with second-hand embarrassment from your two’s stun will keep riots from forming.”

The glittering fans were all a sea of murmurs and speculation. Louis grinned, elbowing Niall as he slipped his arms over the back of Harry and Niall.

“Alright then,” Harry agreed. “Who wants to do the honors?”

“Mate, I don’t think any of us actually want to be the bearer of bad news,” Niall muttered in a pouting manner, to which Louis pinched him.

“Rip the bandage off, you think?” Liam asked, looking at each of them for confirmation. They’d already planned this, thinking the longer they spoke to the crowd the less it would hurt. “Well, bad news first. To let everyone know, this decision is not permanent.”

“Right,” Harry picked up. “We’ve talked about this for a long time, and there’s no changing our minds, okay! No matter how many cute babies you shove in our faces for guilt!”

Louis grinned, resting his head on his shoulder. His heart was pounding for two reasons, and he found that was an extremely unhealthy thing. “We’ve been together for a long time now. In that time, we’ve grown up, but…in different directions.”

“And we think it’s time to take a pause.” Niall continued, almost shouting in the microphone for his next words to be heard over the gasps and screams. “It’s an indefinite hiatus, but we will return. We promise! We love you lads too much!”

Liam gave the crowd time to hush, though they never truly did. “We have been constantly working, and frankly, we’re exhausted. We need a break. We plan on finishing the tour, of course, but after we’re taking some time to ourselves.”

Harry tried for a joke. “I’m so sick of these three knobs,” he said, and when the girls in the front row began sobbing, he quickly said, “I’m kidding!” When the sounds of thousands of teenage girls and their moms crying only increased, Harry looked desperately to Louis. “I think it’s time for your news, babe.” At the word ‘babe,’ the cries halted almost immediately. Harry looked to the crowd in mock surprise. “What? Something I said?”

“I think they like you calling me babe, Haz,” Louis said, eyes crinkling at the name as well. “I like it, too.”

The girls in the first row looked like they were about to collapse.

“What? You cannot like it, Louis. That would imply something you’re oh so clearly not!” Harry jumped to his feet, walking out to the portion of the stage that entered the crowd. Liam and Niall could be heard chuckling, and then they shoved Louis to his feet. He jogged after Harry, standing behind him as his pulse grew so loud he couldn’t even hear the fans screaming their heads off.

“Like what? That I’m gay?” Louis grabbed Harry’s hand, spinning him around. “I dunno, babe. You tell me. Is this gay?”

And then, Louis reached up and grabbed his curls, yanking his head to his level. In plane sight of hundreds of Larry Stylinson fans, Louis kissed Harry.

Their lips connected in a hot heat, offering up a juicy snog as every single fan erupted into screams. Just for the fun of it (not his personal enjoyment at all) Louis’ tongue darted out and licked along Harry’s bottom lip obviously. Louis reached around and gripped Harry’s bum. That was definitely for his own pleasure. Harry smiled into the kiss, laughing at Louis’ PDA. When they parted, he played the shocked character very well by not obviously adjusting his tight jeans.

“Well, Lou, er,” Harry laughed a little, running a hand through his hair as if they hadn’t planned this whole thing. “Yeah. I mean, that does come off as a little on the homosexual side.”

Louis pretended to ponder that, scratching at his chin. “Now that you say it like that, I do see where you’re coming from.” Harry shrugged, resting a hand on his shoulder apologetically. “I suppose that’s my news, then. It was going to be that we’re together, but I think coming out of the closet may take a little bit of a priority.”

“Just a tad,” Harry admitted, but his words were lost on the joyous screams of the crowd. Louis and Harry finally dropped their act, opting to wrap an arm around the other and bask in their fans’ love. Liam and Niall came up, wrapping an arm around them each and cheering with the rest of them.

It was so beautiful it brought Louis to tears.

Flags of rainbow came flying up at them, and all three boys proudly draped them over Louis’ arms, Harry taking just one for himself, as well.

“We love you all!”

“Almost as much as they love each other,” Niall sniggered into his mic, earning a firm elbow to his chest.

“Now how about another song?”

. . .

That evening, as they were all coming together in a private club, Louis didn’t hesitate to grab Harry from the people he was talking to. He turned around and instantly his smile doubled in size. “Lou,” he breathed, not hesitating as his hands slipped into his styled hair while he pressed their lips together.

“Oi! You just ruined my hair, love!” Louis scrunched his nose with distaste, hurriedly trying to fix it back into its place. Harry only laughed whole-heartedly before taking over the task. “Horny fucker…” Harry tugged on a piece especially hard. Louis’ eyes flashed boldly. “Save that for the bedroom, babe.”

Harry giggled again, something Louis hoped he’d never have to stop hearing. “Come here. Somebody wants to apologize to you…”

“Apologi – what? NO! Harry, no,” Louis hissed, fingers digging into his arm in a threatening way. Louis could already see Nick fucking Grimshaw making his way towards them. “Harry, I swear, no blowjob for you tonight if you make me speak to that little devil! I don’t even know if you two ever hooked up, and that’s a serious-,”

“No, we never hooked up. And yes, we both know you will be giving me one.” Harry spoke into his ear, shoving Louis into the group of people he’d always called ‘Harry’s Lovers.’ Louis whined in protest, but Nick was already directly in front of him.

“Tomlinson!” Nick said, arms opening wide, as if they would actually hug. Louis, being the child he was, made a face of discomfort and fell backwards into Harry’s chest.

“Sorry, he’s a little possessive,” Harry said with as much affection as a parent talking about their shy child. There was no way Louis was going to be good for daddy in this case…but now the thought of calling Harry ‘daddy’ was on his mind and wouldn’t leave and suddenly he became much more compliant.

“Well, that’s more like it! I’m glad you finally came to your senses and snatched Harry up before I shot my shot with him!” Nick laughed, holding his drink up in a pretentious way. Louis forced a smile to his lips, but he never had been a good actor, and it came out seeming like he was in pain.

“What are you talking about? You tried to get with Harry more times than Harry cried over Louis at the bar…both of which were a lot,” said a girl to Nick’s left. She was tall brunette with a killer body, and Louis knew Niall would be all over her once he got there.

Louis’ glare intensified, but then Harry wrapped his arms around Louis’ chest from behind his back, resting his head on his forehead. It was the most comforted Louis had felt in a long time.

“Well…maybe, but still,” Nick huffed indignantly. “No hard feelings? I was just looking out for H over here.”

‘His name is Harry,’ Louis wanted to retort, but he didn’t.

“You did make him feel like shit at times,” Nick continued past the point of forgiveness. Louis’ eyes only grew harder. His grip on Harry’s forearm intensified. If he asked him later about it, he would say he was only trying to turn him on with his pain kink. Not that he was infuriated.

“Alright, Nick. And I made him feel like shit at times as well. We did clear things up before getting together, you know,” Harry said in a teasing manner, but there was no mistaking the message of his words: drop it. Louis found he could relax again. Harry was on his side now.

“Right, I just – oh! There’s my surprise! Get over here, model-boy!” Nick said, waving a person down from over their shoulder. Louis turned around to see, but he only got a face full of Harry’s hair. It smelled like fruit. “I called him up because you all simply must celebrate Louis’ coming out with the original fab five!”

“Call us that again and I leave,” threatened a familiar voice. Louis gasped as Zayn Malik slung an arm around Nick’s shoulders, looking at Louis and Harry with amusement. “I had to say, mates, I can’t believe what chicken shits you both are! I left the band thinking you both were just hiding each other from the rest of us.”

“Well how do you know we didn’t?” Harry asked, perplexed, but Louis noticed the way Zayn’s smile finally seemed real. In all the years of the band, Zayn had been the quietest, especially about his emotions. When he got engaged, his smile always seemed off to Louis, but he couldn’t pin point how. Now, though, his smile seemed to be a little less forced and a little lighter, like he wasn’t carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. And from the sound of chuckling coming from behind Harry, Louis could finally guess why.

“Because Liam told him,” Louis grinned mischievously, enjoying going back to the old days where his goal was always to embarrass and expose his mates. “Right?”

Zayn’s eyes went wide, mouth falling open, but the blush on his cheeks gave it away. Harry looked at him in question. None of the boys had contacted Zayn since he left. It wasn’t an ugly departure, but upon the realization that they all more or less needed this break, they resented him a little for not sticking by them.

“I – yes,” Zayn rolled his eyes.

The chuckling abruptly stopped right over Harry’s shoulder. “Zayn?” Liam asked in complete shock. Louis smiled, loving a good shock and awe.

“Hi, Liam,” Zayn said, then quickly added, “Hello, Niall. Miss me?”

Liam tackled him in a hug so strong it was a miracle Zayn stayed upright. Harry moved to join in for a good old fashioned dog pile, but Louis stopped him, turning around and explaining, “Li’s got this.”

After a too long hug, Liam pulled away and launched into questions. Louis was interested to hear about the end of Zayn’s engagement that didn’t include him walking down the aisle, but after so many questions with ulterior motives from Liam, Louis grew annoyed. “Hey! This is my coming out party, not yours, Liam! Go talk privately, you goddy love birds.”

So Liam and Zayn went into an unoccupied booth, hidden from the rest of them.

When Louis focused back on the group, he noticed everyone else occupied. As expected, Niall was chatting up the brunette from before, and doing a pretty good job at it from the way she was shoving her chest in his face. So Louis turned around in Harry’s arms with a smile.

“Happy now?” Harry asked, fingers brushing hair down his face. Louis smirked, wrapping his arms around his neck to get a good enough hold to stand on his toes and whisper in his ear.

“Extremely,” he nipped his ear lightly, making Harry hold him closer. “I’d be happier with your cock in my mouth, though.”

Harry gave him a dirty smile, winking. “Well, that’s one way to celebrate being gay.”

Soon Louis was leading them to the toilets, locking the main door and slamming Harry’s back against the door. Their lips slid against each other as if they were doing a deep tissue massage, trying to pull out any harm the other had caused. Louis’ hands wasted no time in running down Harry’s abs, groaning loudly, uncaring if anyone passing the toilets heard.

“Lou,” Harry panted as Louis palmed him through his jeans. His hips bucked against his hand, and Louis realized he was already hard. He did remember vaguely pressing his ass against him more than needed out in the club. Louis yanked on his hair roughly, and Harry let out a groan so deep and loud it made Louis’ whole body tremble. “Lou, please. I need your mouth.”

Without another word, Louis dropped to his knees, uncaring of the dirty floor. The sound of Harry’s jeans being unzipped was enough to make Louis hard, just knowing what was to come next. He’d never done this before, but it was all he could think about today, especially when Harry woke up with a prominent hard on that they had to ignore in order to make it to the meetings on time.

“Tell me how you want it,” Louis said, eyes locking onto the green ones that seemed to have been blown wide. They were darker than normal, lit up with desire. Harry understood the message.

“Grab my balls,” Harry said, sinking against the wall as he watched Louis do exactly that. He made a little sound. Louis wanted that louder. “Now lick up – focus on my head, mostly. Until the end. Then, go fast.”

Louis smirked. Knowing what he liked gave him enough confidence. He wanted to give him as much world-altering pleasure as he’d given him last night. Without another thought, Louis’ lips kissed up his thigh, pausing to suck on spots that had Harry mewling. As he inched closer, Harry grew impatient.

When he finally ran his tongue up from base to tip, he tasted a hint of saltiness and fought the urge to groan. Once he took him in his mouth, Louis did let out a moan, knowing how amazing the vibrations felt on him. Harry’s hands locked into his hair, uncaring of how wrecked Louis would surely look after.

Louis bobbed his head up and down, but he also took breaks, tongue playing with the tip and sucking as Harry moaned shamelessly above him. Every now and then, he’d lock eyes with Harry, feeling himself grow hard by result.

“God, Lou!” Harry shouted as he squeezed his balls a little firmer. Then, just slightly, he let his teeth run along his cock as he came up, and without warning, as Louis sucked on his tip, shots of heat filled Louis’ mouth, along with a slightly salty taste. “God, Lou…fuck, I’m sorry.”

He did not sound sorry at all.

Louis swallowed, finding the taste not nearly as unpleasant as he’d worried about, and stood up. Harry watched him as he breathed deeply, a smile playing at his lips. “That was too good to be your first time.”

Louis shrugged, wrapping his arms around Harry’s neck as he tilted his face up, speaking against his lips, “I dunno. Want to go find Stan and ask – ow!”

Harry had tucked his head and bit at his neck, sending pain and pleasure through his body. Louis rolled his eyes and pulled Harry back to him, kissing those pink lips once again. He’d never get enough of that.

“Love you,” Harry muttered, tugging on his lip as he pulled away. Louis smiled, resting his head against his chest, listening as Harry’s heart attempted to slow down.

“I love you. Too much.”

. . .

When they exited the toilets, there was a line of about ten people. Funny. They hadn’t noticed the knocking at all. Despite their fame, they still glared at them.

“Wow, you two managed to make the men’s line longer than the women’s,” Liam said when he got back. Zayn was sitting next to him in the booth, arm wrapped around his waist. Niall had just sat down, the same girl heading over to the bar.

“We don’t know what you’re talking about,” Louis huffed as Harry slid in the booth. Louis promptly sat down on his lap, Harry’s arm behind his back support. They all rolled their eyes.

“Louis, your hair is a mess,” Zayn pointed out pleasantly.

“Danced too hard,” Harry lied.

“You’ve a new love bite,” Liam pointed out.

“Did that on the dance floor, thank you,” Harry said proudly, quickly darting in to give him another. This was much quicker, less sensual than the one in the bathroom, to which Louis pouted about it, though Harry let his lips linger against his skin after, so he supposed that made up for it. “He’s quite pretty covered in black and blue, huh?”

“That sounds dangerously abusive, babe,” Louis chuckled, leaning his head against his soft hair. “I don’t know what you are all implying, but-,”

“Louis, there are cum stains on your shirt!” Niall shouted so loud people turned to look at them. The Irishman continued laughing as Louis’ face flushed bright red.

“Shit,” Louis muttered as Harry’s entire body shook with howling laughter, a sound Louis wanted to hear every day of his life.

“It’s hot, baby, don’t worry,” Harry spoke against his ear, sending chills down his body.

And so he didn’t, deciding Harry was right. Instead, Louis joined in on the laughter. He would proudly flaunt Harry’s cum all over the club with no shame because it was Harry. And he’d do just about anything for that curly idiot.

Even if it was following him around on tour the succeeding year while working on his own music, because who would ever turn down a chance to travel the world with the love of their life?

 

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed reading this. Please leave a comment of your thoughts, please! I love hearing constructive criticism or praise. :)


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